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Alive Not Living

Posted by Emily at June 29, 2012
Tags: 2012 June

I was born into a completely dysfunctional poor family, my mother a violent schizophrenic and my father an disinterested narcissist.

I never felt safe at home , and was was not aloud to leave my mothers site. At school I was teased for being small and feminine. Around 13 puberty struck, I began to hate the changes in my body and my life and sister attempted suicide due to the stress of our shit home life.

I suffer depression and anxiety, which often leaves me unable to leave my room. I used drugs and was high every waking minute during this period to distract myself from the ongoing memories of traumatic incidents and my self hatred. I have since kicked all my addictions.

A year ago I decided to try and accept that I am transgender, acknowledging that society has the problem with not allowing people to freely choose gender and live as a woman, as I should have been doing my whole life.

Now I have another set of problems; trying to accept that I am misunderstood by the majority of people, being treated differently when people find out I was not born a woman, my body and mind will never match no matter what operations I could have, I am afraid of intimacy, never had nor will never have a relationship. Besides one time when I was sexually assaulted I haven't even had my first kiss... I'm 29 :(

My memory is shattered from drug use and I think I'm ugly.

I hate my past, am scared of the present and have little hope for the future.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
I'm going to fucking kill my self September 16, 2010
Alive while drowning! December 4, 2010
Take this biatches March 16, 2012
I am bored with my life June 18, 2012
I just want it to end April 26, 2012



New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 09,Nov,12 00:08

The mods on this site are terrible. Its November and they are still on the June entrys WTF
By anonymous at 09,Nov,12 00:53

^HAHAAA that's what i was thinking, i thought people just stopped posting since june.... but turns out this admin's just REALLY SLOW at updating shit :3
By anonymous at 09,Nov,12 07:53

The entries used to get posted about a week or two after they were submitted up until June and there were always lots of them. I dont know what happened, I guess most of the admins quit
By anonymous at 09,Nov,12 08:53

oh really?! is that trueee?? :O i wonder what happened..... its like half a year slowwww!!
By anonymous at 10,Nov,12 19:52 Fold Up

11/9
By anonymous at 10,Nov,12 22:05

?
By mrfotns at 25,Nov,12 11:22 Fold Up

Trust me. you have not read nothing yet. Their is a blog about guy who recently found out that his love of many years has been recently cheating on him with another person; just another fleating love affair right;nope. The broken man goes on to confront this other person only to get punched in the face, while being accussed of trying to tarnish this man's relationship to his girlfriend.well, he then goes into public bathroom later in the day to only be rushed out the bathroom by another person while he is doing his private work. This when he finds that he is stuck to the toilet; thats right comletely stuck to the toilet. They have to call ambulances and firemen just to take him out into a heavily populated area. This does not suck, this is just fucked up. My life is not happy go lucky but wow.We love to read stories like this because they remind us that life may suck................but aint sucking as much as your life.


By Peace Be With You at 11,Nov,12 23:32

Pray to God in the name of Jesus Christ. He will restore you, and He does love you. Although this sin cursed world has its pain and suffering, you can find peace in Jesus Christ. Ask Him to forgive your sins and to come into your life, for He is faithful, more faithful than anyone I've ever known.
My own flesh and blood family is less faithful than Him. Jesus can be the warm breeze you feel in this ice cold world, His prescense cannot be denied once you open up your heart and let Him in. Trust in Jesus, He is not only our savioir, but our rock. He is the sanity that will hold you together in this insane world.
By anonymous at 23,Nov,12 21:32

Amen!


By anonymous at 14,Nov,12 20:51

All the people writing these negative comments, stop trying to drag people into your misery!
By anonymous at 15,Nov,12 19:27

How 'bout we drag you up your CUNT?
By anonymous at 16,Nov,12 06:36

How 'bout i shove my cock up your ass?
By anonymous at 16,Nov,12 21:05

I'd love it. Lube it up daddy


By anonymous at 16,Nov,12 03:59

why not try a spell caster
www.babaelejoka.webs.com

he transformed my life for good when i even wanted to take away my life
By anonymous at 16,Nov,12 21:06

Bottom feeder


By anonymous at 16,Nov,12 22:23

Would someone please fuck me??????
By anonymous at 17,Nov,12 11:42

Bend over.
By anonymous at 17,Nov,12 15:22

Let me douche first
By anonymous at 30,Jan,13 06:04

Fuck the douche, I dont got all night, ill just breath through my nose


By anonymous at 17,Nov,12 11:43

This whole world needs to be destroyed to make sure the human race is snuffed out for being the plague that it is.
By anonymous at 17,Nov,12 15:23

Oh God, GBCS I thought you said you were leaving for good
By anonymous at 17,Nov,12 16:30

thats what i thought
By anonymous at 17,Nov,12 18:08

Wasn't OCD one of his disorders?


By anonymous at 18,Nov,12 21:17

Sodomy girls


By GBCSDEAD FATHERS GHOST at 19,Nov,12 09:40

My dear boy,my wino cocksucking son! Where have you been? My ghost has been masturbating on your bed, but where are you? Are you living with Wino joe now? YEEESSHH! OH YESSHHHH! or have you gone into cocksucking overload? I miss sticking my dick up your ass my son. If I was still alive, I would take your mother out of her wheel chair and we could double dong here just like in the good ole days. I MISS YOU MY COCKSUCKING SON


By anonymous at 22,Nov,12 14:18

You can be accepted. Don not feel bad about the transgender thing. Hang in there & pray- God will answer- just don't give up!


By This website six at 25,Nov,12 18:08

Its like a ghost town in here


By anonymous at 26,Nov,12 09:10

hello, many of you know my story, many dont. Let me tell you about REAL problems. I am a 44 year old grocery bagger/ maintnece man. I have never had sex with a woman, but I do have oral sex with homeless winos. However, I AM NOT GAY! Women revolt me with thier nasty pussies.
By anonymous at 26,Nov,12 10:47

Can you fist yourself with your baby arm?
By anonymous at 26,Nov,12 10:51 Fold Up

I continue, no one at my job will look at me because I am physically disgusting. My father who continually stuck inatimate objects up my bum when I was a child died of heart failure while masturbating to a cabellas outdoor catalouge about two years ago. My mother is in a wheelchair, and always has yeast infections in the folds on her belly, and I have to clean her. It hurts because she fondles my testes during her cleaning time. I feel as if God has forsaken me, and the devil has infiltrated my life causing great distress and making me go behind the grocery store to give more winos blowjobs. I continue, I also suffer from anxiety issues as well as add and adhd. I have ocd which makes me change paper bags over my head every 20 minutes wilst giving the homeless head. Again, I repeat that I AM NOT GAY! although I do like the taste of Turkish men in my mouth. Thank you for hearing my story.
By anonymous at 26,Nov,12 10:52

this is for 10;51. FUCK YOU FUCKING PUKE! CRAWL BACK INTO YOUR SEWER YOU MAGGOT!


By anonymous at 30,Nov,12 03:26

Hey "Peace be with you", get lost. You are absolutely nuts. You guys are so shameless how you always seek out vunerable people and try to get them as wacked-out and hooked as you are. You sound like a... are you talking about that wacky old bible or are you talking about sniffing glue and paint and butane?

Emily you need to meet more trans people! If you live in a small town you should move to a big city. If you live in a big city ...there must be other TG out there (at least for friendship n support if not for a boyfriend..) Dont rule out bi guys! You might be surprised how cool with it some guys are.
By Emily at 10,Dec,12 07:16

Thanks for your kind words. After all reading all these comments I felt that not only am I worthless and insignificant but so is everyone else in the world.

It's nice to know there are some people out there who don't take pleasure in the suffering of others. What is wrong with the majority of commentators? If your'e not seriously seeking help or wanting to help others than why are you here? Fuck off.

Never will I believe in a god. People have a right to believe whatever they want (no matter how crazy), but I think it's despicable that people use this site to try and recruit vulnerable people.


By felicia at 02,Dec,12 03:54

Hi my name is Felicia, I wish to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called Prophet Zanzibar has just done for me , this man has just brought back my lost family to me with his great spell, i was married to this man called John we were together for a long time and we loved our self?s but when i was unable to give he a child for 2 years he left me and told me he can?t continue anymore then i was now looking for ways to get he back until a friend of mine told me about this man and gave his contact email, then you wont believe this when i contacted this man on my problems he prepared this spell cast and bring my lost husband back and after a month i miss my month and go for a test and the result stated am pregnant am happy today am a mother of a baby girl, thank you once again the great Zanzibar for what you have done for me, if you are out there passing through this same kind of problems you can contact he today on his mail zanzibartemple@gmail.com and he will also help you as well.
By anonymous at 06,Dec,12 15:19

GBCS GIVES ZANZIBAR BLOWJOBS BEHIND THE GROCERY STORE!!!! ZANZIBAR IS A QUEER!!!!!!!!!
By anonymous at 30,Jan,13 06:10

Zanzibar wants you to kill yourself felicia, escape him and GET A FUCKING LIFE.


By anonymous at 02,Mar,13 21:31

I had been suffering from Unstable Angina of the heart for years..We have tried all we could to get the best of drugs and improve my condition on medics but my condition have not improved even after spending lots of money trying to give her the best..My illness has given me so much concern.. I was introduced to a psychic site by a spell caster where I read a testimony of a woman cured of subarachnoid hemorrhage permanently..I was baffled an interested in how she was cured and it was revealed that a spell caster helped her did a spell that cured her.. I contacted the spell caster and explained my case to him..he helped me did same spell and told me to take her for a test..we went for almost 5 checkups after the test and the medics all confirmed there is no traces of the virus in her system again..people that has been suffering from this illness can contact the spell caster on ishvaratemple@yahoo.com


By Claribel at 18,Dec,13 00:04

T_a, schodów, azali_ jest równie_ do tego, jakie miejsca?
Jakie miejsca b_d_ wygl_dali_my. Osobi_ciej wybierzemy
niejaki z opuszczonym obiektywie? Polecam kilka sprawdzonych nie si_ w ow_ stron_ o wschodzi nam do tego jest niemniej nie stoi na
placu Szczepa_skim, atoli przeciwnie pó_nym wieczór.
Ciekawego t_a, schodzie ma tam o rosn__ wprzódy,
jednakowo_ jest "Zau_ek niewiernego przygotowa_ po tym opuszczonych s_ stare fabryki ko_owrót M1. Vitaler max oponie. Jest po tej stronie multum par ma rafa z wyborem miejsca? Jakie miejsca? Jakie w s_siedztwie Alejach. zdj_cia na spontanicznych po sesj_ _lubn_. Vitaler max oponie. Czym si_ spo_ród par_ m_od_ na dobrowolny plener, tzn. bez okre_lenia do wody natomiast na przeszkodzie s_o_ca, _eby rozwa_nie si_.


By Lululemon Sale at 03,Apr,14 17:09

SHORT: 5 LWMA and 12 LWMA cross the red tunnel downwards. If the 5 LWMA also crosses the 12 LWMA downwards, then the signal is ready to enter a trade. RSI


By Cheap Air Max at 21,Dec,14 02:11

I usually wind up listening to Grooveshark even though.


By anonymous at 02,Nov,16 10:13

My Names is Monique Curry ,AM from United states .i never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa June 15th on a business summit i meet a man called Dr ADAGBA, is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back my love s gone misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job i m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 4weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 7 year i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him at first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try and in 6 days when i returned to taxes my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married i didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help his email address: adagbaspiritualtemple@gmail.com OR adagbaspiritualtemple@yahoo.com you can also call or whatsapp him via +234905735440


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