I donít know where to start. Itís never been and easy life for me. When I was a kid my father had an accident that left him paralyzed from the waste down. I basically grew up poor white trash. I was the definition of a loner. I had teachers tell me I couldnít go to a good college w/o money. Needless to say I became incredibly cynical. Cynicism that rivaled that of a 45 year 3 time divorcee and I was only 18. There is a lot more to to my past but that stuff doesnít really bother me. Well it does but I accept it. About two years ago I was browsing the wed and I stumbled up upon this message board where this woman posted a thread pertaining to her lack of sexual experience. But in her thread she sounded just like me. A huge pothead that loved to read and watch Baseball and was also insecure about being a virgin. So I signed up for this board just to reply to her, which I did and finished off with too bad you donít in NY we could get together sometime. Turns out she was from the Bronx while I was from Queens. We proceeded to talk on AIM. That became talking almost everyday for 2 years. A lot of times all night and even all day at work. I could never get her to go out though. I should of known though she warned me of her neurosis, maybe I should of known better but I didnít care. My entire life I wanted to meet anyone relationship or just friendship wise that was as dorky, lame, and prudish as me. She was my big dork. She wasnít some girl that I wanted to date, she became my best friend. I fell in love with her. And suddenly all the hardships in my life started to make sense. For the first time in 15 years I was starting to feel happy and I had hope that this wouldnít always be life. And one day she stopped going online. That was 5 months ago. In 5 months Iíve heard from her twice when I wasnít on and it basically said Iím so sorry babe, just know Iím always thinking of you. Iím devastated. I grew up poor I saw my father get crushed to death by his work van. I grew up with no friends and a great amount of responsibility. And I just rolled with no matter how depressed I was. This is different, I rather relive watching my fathers accident over and over instead of going through this. Itís funny I live by myself and no one ever comes to see me. Even though I live 15 minutes away from the few friends I have. I canít stand my job and Iím getting by on the balls of my ass. And that doesnít really bother, I didnít even realize that stuff until she left my life. I lost so much fuckin shit over the years and crushing blow after crushing blow and for once Im finlly happy and it gets taken away with no fuckin closure. No good bye not even a go fuck yourself. This here has left me devastated. Iíve been a good person and I work hard and with all I have been through to get teased like this and to lose my best friend, the only person I have ever loved. I am a completely different person. I no longer see any hope and I accept the fact maybe Iím just not meant to ever be happy. And if she happens to read this, just know I miss you more than anything in this world babe.