My mind is in shambles, i am constantly sad and overthinking subtle things, i can't help it. I cant even study very well anymore. I am both clingy and pushy. I make/meet friends, like them then instinctively stop talking to them, like i'm scared. It is the same for loved ones. I can't help it, and it fucking sucks. Even when i manage to make a friend, i end up drowning them in my problems and become to clingy, it's very irritating. It seems aloneness is where i'm headed.
Gosh it hurts my heart. I've had this obsession over a crush for like 3 years now, maybe because i can't get anyone else. I am constantly thinking i have one disease or the other, right now i think i have bowel cancer. Always thinking of how i'm going to end up dying. I have also been imagining myself dying in different methods. Fisrt it was being stabbed repeatedly then eventually bleeding to death, The second is burning alive and the third is drowning. Dont get me wrong i'm not ALWAYS sad, but most of the time. And it only feels worse in retrospect when i was just happy yesterday.
My life has been full of being yelled at for inane things, things out of my control, or just plain bullshit. My childhood was full of loneliness and . Mind you i have both my parents, still do, They were just really shitty parents. They might have changed over the years, but the mindset carved into me hasn't. My psyche stays the same.
Worse still i'm male, and black so as stereotype will have it, we are all somehow meant to be hardy, and not have problems. I told my parents about the depression. Guess who's not being taken seriously.
I used to be normal, now i'm this. It only goes downhill from here.
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seems like you have a lot of anxiety, which a lot of us have, based on fear of what might happen next. best way to get rid of fear is to name it. when you get anxious, say it out loud what you are afraid of. say it out loud all the things that you never admit that you are afraid of in life. that alone will help. then accept those things as given. you are afraid you won't have enough money to pay your bill this month? accept it as given (as a fact) and work on the situation from that point. no reason to be anxious when you already have accepted the conclusion. afraid that nobody likes the real you? accept it as given and just do you. you can still be kind and friendly to the people who are around and treat you well, but don't worry so much about gaining their approval. it is very unlikely that you will find someone who can really give you what you need. what you need is you. so stop hiding yourself under the bed.
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