I don't know how to describe it. For the past hour and a half I've been typing and deleting this message. What's there to say that hasn't been said before? My story isn't uncommon. I'm just another teenager with depression. My doctor says it's a hereditary trait but I just think there's something wrong with me.
Every day I wake up and tell myself "it's just school". But really, it's more than that, I wouldn't feel like screaming if it was just school. It's people. Being around other people makes me hate being alive. I know why. Long, sleepless nights have been dedicated to trying to figure out why. I've come to the conclusion that seeing them laugh, cry, or even just sit there is truly beautiful. And I am ugly.
Not in a physical sense alone. In a mental way. Just by reading these short paragraphs you can tell I'm a warped thinker. I want to break my bones. I want to vomit. I want to kill myself in a crowd of people. I want to hit, kick, claw, and bite. But at the same time I don't! I really don't! I want to sing, dance, and make everyone smile with me.
I'm falling apart. I'm 15 and feel ancient. I've felt this way for 4 years and I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm pushing everyone away.
I hate me.
I feel so angry. But that's just today. Tomorrow I'll feel sad, or jealous, or maybe I'll be fortunate enough for a day of happiness. | |
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