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Nothing Seems to Make Me Happy anymore

Posted by anonymous at June 16, 2010
Tags: Addictions  2010 June  Meaninglessness  Philosophical

I'm 34 married unhappy and at the end of contemplating what to do. What scares me is that all the things that used to make me happy when I felt depressed no longer work for me. I used to smoke weed and do other drugs but even those stopped working. And I am not about to start taking any Big Pharmacuetical pimped cures that do nothing to cure the problem and only lead to lifelong addiction.

Most of my childhood was chaotic. My mother divorced my father when I was nine and then proceeded to move from boyfriend to next husband to next boyfriend every couple of years. So as a result I never got to stay put anywhere fo very long and I think that it has left a lasting negative effect on me. I find it difficult if not impossible get close w/ most anyone.

The only thing that ever seemed to give temporary release other than the drugs was my lifelong obsession/addiction w/ video gaming. But after a lifetime of playing games there is simply no satisfaction anymore. I think I realized some years ago that it's a throuroughly hollow persuit. Akin to living vicariously throught virtual experiences that never really happened by staring at a box for many says and hours.

I don't even feel close with my own wife. Oh sure at first it SEEMED like we were close and right for each other and honestly she is a good person who does seem to care for me. The problem is that as the years go by I care less and less for her and I feel like complete shit because of it. And the kicker is that it isn't anything that she did or didn't do-- it's just me and the way I feel. She probably deserves better but right now I think that I'd just rather stick with her than be completely alone.

I'm stuck in a dead end job. A byproduct of the result of a fucked up childhood where school was only a passing concern. Even if I was to go out and indebt myself to put myself through school at this point I don't have the energy or will to do so.

I have tried religion but I simply could never buy into the concept of an omniprescent and all loving god that lets the travesties and horrors of this world continue on and on forever ad nauseum. If god loves us he sure has a funny way of showing it.

Some people seem to have it all and the rest of us get the shit that's left over. That would be me. No prospects. No future. No reason for existing really.


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New Comment

By anonymous at 20,Jun,10 21:56

Blah, blah, blah. Pity party time. Get over yourself and do something you lazy fuck. It's not all about you.

By anonymous at 22,Jun,10 11:17

I'm very sorry that your life seems so meaningless. I hope that you find a way to make it improve.

By anonymous at 17,Jul,10 10:07

Become a writer (I think you do have those skills).

By anonymous at 22,Nov,10 23:55

dude im only 19 and i think im going down the same path. I smoke weed almost every night. it became almost the only thing i would look forward each day. i would smoke and then id be all happy listening to my beatles alone in my basement. just chillin. then pain pills entered the equation, and they really made me feel good! but now being sober is almost terrifying, and if i know that i have no weed for the night, the whole day i will just feel like shit cuz there is nothing to look forward to. it is such a trap. I love weed SOOO much but i still almost wish i never would have tried it in the first place, and that is saying something! good luck, i cant even imagine how hard it is after being in the trap for that long.... god bless.

By anonymous at 02,Mar,11 07:35

You ungrateful bastard. Your wife deserves better than a self absorbed loser. Id like to meet a nice woman who would put up with all my shit.

By anonymous at 09,Sep,12 22:40

Things don't stay the same for too long. Be patient change will happen. Not sure if it will be good or bad but it will be in the benefit of you in the long run. Just try to appreciate what you have now because things don't stay the same for long. I totally understand how you feel. Just hold on to the thought that there is a reason why you are going thru mentally and emotionally. You will figure it out for sure, I know it.

By anonymous at 13,Nov,12 23:51

Thank you for sharing your feelings, I think we often go through spells and disasociate from everyone. I go in and out of these kinds of feeling. Usually what snaps me out of the bleek spell is to focus on doing one thing a day that will make me smile. Buying a candy bar and placing it out for someone without saying who it is from. Then I just start planning small things for others without letting them know I helped. They are surprised and try to see who did it and I feel inwardly pleased with myself. It really works. I hope you snap back into life and enjoy it. I also blog in a feeling book. Each day I write how I feel. Try to write one happy and one non happy thought, Read it back in six months and see if anything is getting better. I wish you well and happiness. Life if short for too much time being spent misaberable. prayers are with you.

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