LIFE SUCKS : 2012 April

I am sick of this world I just want out

I am 35 years old. I never had a paying job, don't have an education besides high school, and have been diagnosed as mentaly disabled thoughout my whole life. My dad was verbaly abusive to me calling me abnormal and such. I never had any close friends in school, and I had more people making fun of me than caring. I've had clinical depression for decades now and even with powerful medication, dosen't seem to be going away. I try to go out and take walks, but it only solves it temporarly.

I am worried about losing my apartment because I have trouble keeping it clean and they do inspections of the unit every month. There is soot from deisel trucks that comes into my apartment which just adds to the misery. I feel like my life is stagnated (no job) and it feels like it's going to go to hell at any minute. There is another inspection comming up, and I feel my apartment is no where clean enough to deal with it. I've always had problems with cleaning and it seems like it has gotten to the point where it is just too overwhelming. Thankfuly, there is not much clutter, but it's stuff like stains on the wall, stuff like that.

I've been praying to God for the past month to please end my life. I don't want to commit suicide (fears of hell+scared to do it), but I don't want to go on anymore, at least not like this. I've been thinking of saying "f-it" and going to Philadelphia, and staying in a homeless shelter there, starting fresh and maybe getting my life back on track but I really don't know what to do anymore.

My Life is Lame.

I know that there are those who have it worse than I, so I hope that I am not looked down upon for this rant. But, I despise my life. When I was a boy I wanted to do something cool, noble, and great. I dreamed that I could be like those romantic knights in tales of old, a hero, who could save somebody he loves (romantic or Platonic love). I thought I could be somebody who matters. In the end, I am an overweight, out-of-shape, nerd that has no direction in life. I thought that if I wait patiently, my Princess would reveal herself. She has not, and death often seems preferable to this painful mortal existence. Simply put: I have a lame life, and it's chances of getting better appear as zero.

life of hell

so my life was pretty normal..up until 20-21...I had an ok childhood--yes a little abuse from family and depression big time but it was bearable. But when i hit 20ish...its like everything just began to go down the tubes, and ive been through 15 years of TORTURE, bad luck hell horror extreme suffering...just hell and nothing else. its like i was cursed or was and the curse began around that time and just went down to a roller coaster of horror for 15 years.. My life from then on was total ISOLATION...i couldnt make any friends ro meet anyone..people were mean to me...i did move to a different city but still, it was just so messed up. I tried desperately to make friends was very friendly but to no avail. no matter how hard i tried iw as ALWAYS alone... People would ban me from restaurants, gossip about me do horrible extreme things to me. My family also turned on me and my cruel mtoher destroyed my life legally financially and in horrendous ways...i cant get into the details but basically she put me through extremely horrific suffering for many many years--had me put on disability tricked me so she could receive the moeny and have 'control' over my life...she had me labeled, and did all this b/c she is a sociopath who wanted control over my life. i couldnt believe anyone could do this to someone and i had no clue what to do about it and still don't. I have to hire lawyers, and get justice legally but i would end up losing a lot since i rent in a place my dad owns and...

I fail at life

I am 26 jobless, dont have a girl friend ,live vid my parents who support me financially. I have failed at almost everything i have tried through out my life and left my studies in bw as well. My mother loves me like anething ,few days ago i had an arguement vid my father , when my mother intervened i got violent vid her i hit her and pulled her hairs and she started crying, i know i vl burn in hell for eternity, i hate myself for what i did to my mother,i felt like chopping off my hands, i am always full of guilt , i had a disturbing chilhood bcos of dispute bw my father and his brothers, i am hopeless , ifeel like i am useless piece of crap, dont have real friends , inhave always been betrayed by them, i had a girlfriend , my only love of life at the age of 16, she ditched me, after her i never had confidence to approach ane girl, people around me ignore me like i dont exist, life sucks , but i suk more then my life....us hate myself

My mother was diagnosed with M.S.(multiple sclerosis)before I born and grew up barely knowing her. My sister, father and I would visit her at the hospital on weekends and that was mostly it. If i knew how serious it was I would of spent more time with her.
My father being the alcoholic he is, he thought it was alright to see other women at the bars while my mother was still alive and married... i felt i lost my father aswell.
Soon after my mother passing away my family fell apart fight after fight.
My uncle soon got sick after and I spent more time with him and before he past away he talked to me about my mother and how strong she was. All I saw was my mother getting sicker and sicker and I couldn't help. After my uncle past I lost my father figure in life and started abusing drugs and alcohol like my father, but soon got feed up that it wasn't hiding anything and just prolonging my pain.
I don't get any kicks out of life, i just get kicked. Everything I work at ends up falling apart in my hands... why do i even wake up anymore.

I have only had one serious relationship and only lasted a month and didn't end well . When people are around me they get bummed, and its because i never have anything positive to say.

I feel like I'm going nowhere in life and its making me depressed. I hate myself, mostly my personality. The quiet, shy, insecure person who never gets along with other people because they don't like me for who i am. I am a university drop out, couldn't stand it and what I was doing, now i'm stuck here doing nothing cause I can't make up my mind on what I should do with my life. I know some people here would be like "Harden the fuck up" or something along those lines, but have you ever been in my shoes? Something that I'm struggling with may be a breeze with you cause were all different and most of the times, actions are harder than words. I don't have many friends, but the ones who I'm friends with are untrustworthy so I end up having to deal with my own problems, in this case, ranting on the internet. I've never been in love, but that isn't really my biggest problem at the moment because I guess i can live without it, but sometimes I do have the urge to feel lonely. I've made so many mistakes, but i'm trying to learn from them.

So scared for my future

Right now, I'm so uncertain about my future. I don't know where I'm going at all, I have no goals, no motivation, no friends. I'm only 19, I have a whole life ahead of me, what am I going to do? How am I going to survive all those years. I read those stories about people who are middle aged and still friendless (no offence intended) and I get so scared. I really wish to get out of this little loop. It's just I don't know where to start making friends. Everyone I meet already has other close friends, it's hard to stick myself into any group. Not to mention that I am shy, quiet and awkward, I just can't seem to think of anything to say.

There are people I talk to, but none of them are close and none of them understand me. I find it hard to strike conversation with them, because they all have everything going for them, smart, involved, have their whole glorious future awaiting them. I feel really shrunken in their presence. I wonder how on earth I am going to find a job. I have no good communication skills, no motivation, no life... And without a job, I really am dead. My family can only support me for so long.

I need a way out! Where do I start to pick up the pieces and get my life back on track?

To start off I want to thank you all for having the compassion and the caring to care about the trials and draining trivialities of a strangers life.

I've never been one to complain about my life, I am one of those lucky people who has learned optimism from despair. I confronted every childhood trauma with a naive optimism; but it is not my past which is haunting me, rather it is my future which is frightening me. I just turned 18 years old-- walking that precarious line between the fervor of youth and the responsibilities of an adult.

I have a girlfriend who I LOVE with all my heart, she is the most magnificent girl I've ever met! but that's my problem, she's so incredibly beautiful and intelligent and I know that she can do better than me; everday I search myself to discover what I could have done to deserve her, and always I am met with the emptiness a lottery winner must feel-- I have done nothing to earn my fortune, there is nothing special about me! as a result I feel like I am failing the most spectacular girl in the world, the most meaningful person on the planet, she seems so happy when she's with me I have no idea why...

Next year she is going off to university to pursue her dreams, to start her own NGO, to change the world; and there is no doubt in my mind that she will succeed. But I will be left here in this cesspool they call "london, ontario"to finish high-school. I don't know what I'm g...

I am 24 years old. I had an amazing childhood, my family was wealthy, I went to a good school, had a mother and siblings that would do anything for me and vice versa. In my teenage years my father (who I had always viewed as such an amazing, strong and honest man) attempted suicide. Thankfully, he failed. After this incident it came to light that he was not so honest, my family and I where forced into witness protection as he had wronged alot of people (financially and through countless affairs, despite being married to my mother) and my father went to jail. My mother was left with 4 children on her own. She did an amazing job caring for us with what little we where left with. For years I thought I was fine and my fathers wrongs didnt effect me. As I get older I am starting to realise that since I never dealt with any of my emotions back then, they are taking their toll now. As I said I am 24, I have never been in a relationship with a man. I have had very fleeting flings but never even been on a date. Over the last 12 months I have developed an anxiety disorder and some days even going to the supermarket physically makes me nauseous. I used to be such a friendly and carefree person and now since I am so shut off I am unable to form any new friendships and my existing relationships are suffering. I am becoming obsesed with my appearance, agonising over every calorie consumed, consistently checking myself out in the mirror and forever wondering what people are thinking about me. Although I am aware of my increasing psychological issues, I am powerless to stop them.

My story will not look quite that bad but it's killing me nonetheless. I am a 23-years old expat. I've been living abroad for 3 years and I move very often. States, Europe, Hong Kong. By now I feel extremely lonely. I am healthy and sociable but all the people I meet in life stay for a while and then disappear because either they or I have moved. And the people I have back home, after 3 years have moved on. I have a best friend and he's always there so that's what keeps me sane. But my impossibility to develop a relationship is making me miserable. I tend to rush things, because I want things in the present, because tomorrow I may be somewhere else, and that scares people away and makes me look needy. It gets so hard sometimes... I'm far from suicidal but I think I am profoundly unhappy.

Life

I've had zero help growing up. My mother had an alcohol problem and my father was the cliche absentee. The Marines dropped me a week before graduating boot camp C.O.G. for an age fracture. My friends were drug addicts among other things. The girl I picked to be my bride, my high school sweet heart, was too friendly to be stuck with just one man. She had a bad childhood but that's no excuse to be getting drunk and waking up next to men she didn't even know. After putting up with that for 6 years, off and on, hoping she would change I gave up on her and walked out. Leaving my innocent son in her ignorant hands. (I'll never forgive myself)
I narrowly escaped the small town I lived in without becoming an addict and without killing anyone, but I did feel like a fool because I was. Consumed with their own problems the friends I had fell away one by one. Lonely and broke without an ability to hold on to a job because of pride or boredom or whatever other reason I could come up with, I wound up homeless for awhile. Too ashamed to run back to moms I lived in my van, but I escaped that black hole.
I am now with the woman I love, but I'm consistently failing at everything I do. I don't blame my parents for how I am, but sometimes I feel I should. I don't blame them because I raised myself. Everyone knows right and wrong. I just figured out consequence and reason and rationality at an early age. My problem is, I think, that I've never felt like I had to impress s...

just feeling jaded....

My story isn't the worst but I'm just feeling jaded about everything. I'm almost thirty and still living at home. I have no job. Have no money. Am heavily in debt. Couldn't finish college, I hated it, even went back multiple times. No true friends. No girl. I'm highly sensitive so when someone betrays me, its over, forever, which doesn't help in maintaining interpersonal relationships. I'm trying to be a novelist with obviously no success thus far. I've yet to fully complete a project actually. Laziness is a staple in my existence. I'm not the worst looking guy but am a bit overweight from a poor diet and not enough exercise. I spend most of my day on the internet, reading, and playing video games. Basically I have a feeling of going nowhere in life. My self confidence is pretty shot. I'm sadly in love with a girl on the internet I've never met who lives in China who is as much a bohemian low life as I am. She finds me interesting enough and would be willing to give me a chance if I got my life together. I consider myself a fairly intelligent human being, but my lethargic essence impedes in moving on in life. Essentially I want to be a child forever. So there was my little slice of life. Not as horrible as I've read on this site. I really got to start taking action though.

Dwelling on the past..

I'm a 16 year old sophomore. I've never had many friends but there was a few people I used talk to. Lately, all of them turned their back on me. The person who I once considered my best friend now ignores me and doesn't care about our past friendship. I felt happy during my last relationship, but it was only for a short while. I lasted a year with the person I ended up being used. I feel unwanted even by my own family, since my dad left when I was very young and the rest of my family tells me I am worthless, lazy and can't do anything right. I don't blame them because I know what they say is true.
I was in a public high school, but I had to transfer to a charter school because of all the social pressure in the regular high school I attended. Everyone had their own group of friends and I was alone, I always felt unwanted. I now spend the majority of my time at home. I wish there was at least one person I could trust, is ONE true friend too much to ask for? I don't know what I've done to deserve this isolation from the world. Sure, I have a few acquaintances, I go out once in a while, but I have no real friends. I get very jealous when I see other people with their best friends. I envy them so much because they do not know how lucky they are.
I have nothing planned for my future. I am a pathetic waste of life. I am disgusted with myself, but most of all disgusted with the people who did me wrong. This loneliness is killing me, and I don't know what to do anymore.
I have visited counselors, therapists and psychiatrists since I was very young, but that only made me feel worse and I started self harming. I feel the urge to end my life but the only thing holding me back is the possibility that my plan might fail and I'll just end up at a psychiatric ward, making everything worse. I can't even sleep anymore. If I were to die tomorrow, I could honestly say I never really lived.

I feel like a loser. But fuck it.

I hope no one tracks me on this, it would be quite the story to tell anyone why I'm pouring my life story out on some internet bull shit I found on google. Where to begin, my parents were bartenders, and I had a struggling sister who raised me half the time. I found my mom coked out on the floor and my dad was a drunk, life ran its mediocre story of a low middle class family life until I was six years old and my grandfather died in the terrorist attacks on 9/11. It was the first funeral I had ever been to. The first time I understood the meaning of murder and death. You know how you find out if you're family member and loved one is gone? They find his class ring, his watch, and name plate on his office door, but not him. He called us on sept. 10th. a few hours before he died. he was the one person I loved more than anything. we got through it and got enough inhertance to buy a house put my sister and dad in college and life got on track again. until our house was flooded by a hurricane and we lived in a trailer for five years. my sister moved out and married an abusive prick. my mom threatened me with killing herself. even showed me a few nice scars and told me my dad and I were the reason. I'm now sixteen. I dropped out of school in 5th grade. no shit. I somehow luckily hid underneath the public school system until I was sixteen and got my GED. my dad lost his job, my sister was commited into a psych ward, is now living with us and divorcing her husband and we are now in a huge custody battle over my niece. I work at a grocery store and support my fucking household. thats just the rough draft of life for me. I have to come up with $500

Come what may.

Well hey there everyone. I'm 18 years old. I live alone. I am currently working so that I can live. How do I start this...hmmm...I just came out, as a gay person. Yes, I am gay.

---------------

When I was still studying in middle school, I was bullied. I couldn't fight for myself, because no one would understand. I really wondered, why do I like boys anyway, if I am also a boy. When I think of it, I just laugh. It came to me that never in my life that a boy would love me. Impossible. I'm not that attractive to start off. Not so good when it comes to relationships either. It's really hard to find a serious relationship if you're gay. It's never a joke. Sometimes I just wished that I was a girl, this would've never been a problem to me. And if I were a girl, boys would never bully me. They would respect me. Well, this is just a part of burdens that gay guys go through. And believe me, it's not easy.

17 years old. I needed to go to a university. I'm with people who are mature enough to accept gay guys. I do hope so...I made new friends. These times, I felt happy. I had a best friend. He is really kind...and pretty attractive. damn. haha. He doesn't know I'm gay. He doesn't need to know because I'm in love with him. Who wouldn't? all the girls fall in love with him. and he's also courting one of those girls. and he always tells stories about that girl. sucks. It's hard when you have to keep everything inside. but what can you do? you don't have any...

crossroad

hi everyone, I am writing this to give myself and others hope. perhaps with my story i can rub some determination and hope to you all and by writing this down i can create something like a closure to my problems. warning, it is a long story.

it all started with my family,friends and environment. family first.. dad was really not the talking kind. he would come home and go to work never really bothering about me. now in retrospect, im in my twenties by the way, he should have engaged me. encouraged me to go out and do sports, join something. talk about my life. my thoughts emotions etc. should helped me to grow my thoughts. but that is an ideal case. all he was to me was really just a money bag. he did do something good thou, he provided a decent university education out of his own pocket. on my part,i did try to communicate but really nothing much really changed. there is already this divide between us, this void. he is more like a shadow i need to say hi to and small talk to. its difficult to share.
mother.. she was more like a traditional housewife than anything else. she gave me food to eat. thats pretty much it and transportation to where i want to go. but thank god, i guess because she is a female, she was alot more open so eventually when i was in year 2 in university our relationship got better. there was more talk and sharing. this happened cause i wanted it to work out. i didnt want a stagnant family and life..

besides the neglect there was...

Sometimes I want to say FUCK YOU!

I have dyslexia and a little short term memory loss but I never give up...i never have and I don't ever want to.
everyone thinks I'm stupid but that's not true ...in fact I'm smarter than most of my ignorant family. i'm not saying i'm super smart or something i'm just saying that I try because I want to do something with my life. Despite how hard school is for me sometimes, I still go...what the fuck is their excuse! No matter how hard I try it's never enough. Why?
they have never cared about me and never will. They only care about my lazy ass older sister! The stupid bitch doesn't do anything because she says she'll be a writer...everyone who reads them say they are no good. She's not bad at it, I guess, it's just stupid to copy twilight or whaterver and call it original. every book sounds the same. I love her she is ,after all, my sister and I don't want to see her life wasted. it's just that sometimes she pisses me off! To her all I am is a stupid little sister but she doesn't know how to clean her own ass without me.

even my cousin thinks I'm stupid...UGH! Stupid stuck up jerk.
I don't understand them and I don't understand why I am treated like this
Sometimes I want to give up...it makes me want to yell!

whatever i'm done bitching
Thanks for reading. I apologize for the unorganized mess and it would be great if you could give me some advise...or a funny comment
That would help tons

Wishing for a miracle..

No career, not married yet and I got one more year off the calendar, no friends not by choice, and all I had was my ex bf who knows How my life is and yet always emotionally torment me first before he ignore and abandons me...
why doesnt he feel sympathy for me and seems he really enjoys tormenting me and i have anxiety and panic attacks and he would emotionally torment me more when it happens and will take pleasure of me chasing after him and keep calling him and texting and he tells me if I were to kill myself oh well thats on me... all i want is to be his friend cause he is all i have but he would emotionally torment me and im sooo stupid i cant help but chase and chase him... i chase cause i dont have nobody else... but why does he not feel any sympathy for me and never will he sat sorry and he would tell me its my fault and i have to say sorry and he always yell and get mad for the smallest things... yet im the dumbest girl on earth cause i cant control it and keep chasing him and i hate it. he is like the devil..
I know I am to blame cause I am letting him do this to me but I dont want to be all alone and he is the only one who I go out with and escape me from personal problems...
I know I have God and Idk why I still feel alone and keep chasing an ex who clearly takes pleasure in emotionally tormenting me... But why cant I just leave him aloneee... No I dont love him or want him anymore after all that torment heckk no but Idk why I just cant leave him alone..

The Sound of Silence

I've never done this before. Really, I've never vented about how things really are. I'm in my mid-30's, a college graduate and live alone. Never had a relationship nor any close friends. I'm in debt to the tune of over hundreds of thousands of dollars due to my education and have very little money and no contact with my family. The bright spot of the day is when the mail comes. Literally, when a bill, or a credit card offer comes to my house with my name on it, it always feel like I exist in some way. I work alone and have very little contact with any co-workers. I've attended numerous concerts and movies alone. I always sit in the back of the theater due to being humiliated by being alone. I always look at couples and people who have someone with them and would deep down give anything for this. To be honest, I feel very isolated.

It seems I live in complete silence. Literally, I can consistently hear the clock ticking on my wall and at times, I forget what my voice sounds like. That's why I go to the movies alone, because I can actually hear my voice when I place an order at the snack stand. At the grocery store, I make an effort to talk to the cashiers, so I can hear my own voice. I tried to adopt a cat from a local shelter to have something to care for, but my allergies prevented this. Every day feels like an eternity. Literally, the days are very long. Some of you may think that you have no meaning in other's lives, but the mailman, as insignificant as it may seem, is one of the most important people in my life. As pathetic as this may sound, the mail gives me a feeling of importance ( ...my name is actually on something, therefore I exist to someone/somewhere).

As for this writing, I'm not saying my life sucks but living for countless years in complete silence and isolation tends to wear one's hopes thin. However, I do try to find hope in my small ways.

being different does,nt make you unique

god i hate life so much theres not a day when i wish i could wake up dead life have brought me nothing but misery what makes life suck so is the fact that i was born the different and i dont mean that in a unique way i was born a with a cleft lip and a learning disability i was bron a freak when i look in the mirror all i see is a monster growing up i never had a happy childhood it,s been nothing but struggles i,ve spend my whole school years with loneliness being bullied not just in school but out in the streets spending half my childhood locked in my room with the lights off afraid and ashame even now as an adult nothing have change when i still look in the mirror all i see is a monster i hate what iam i hate god so much for making me this way it seems like life is always gonna be this way i will never get a break the worst part about is i have goals but it seems like my dreams will never come true no matter how hard i try there,s just no reason to try anymore i was never ment to have dreams and everyday my hatred for life and god keeps growing and growing but is the hatred that i hold inside of me that makes me stronger not my faith in god and no matter how hard i try to be happy the pain can never be healed i whould never know what is like to experience true happiness i whould never know what is like to have a dream come true and i whould never know what is like to know love all i know is hatred and thanks to the world i dont put my faith and trust in no one especially god so fuck all of you see ya