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    [Tell Your Story]  "The pit" (fresh stories)

    I feel stuck in my head

    Posted by depressed at February 14, 2012
    Tags: 2012 February   Sexuality

    I am 17 and since i was about 13 or 14 i have suffered from severe off on depression. I don't think its my sorroundings because my family are quite normal. I have no friends now, but i used to have when i was younger. When i became 13, three things hit me unexpectedly, (1. I tried to get friends in my new school, but i didnt fit in anywhere and people just laughed at me. (2. After trying & failing with people, i started suffering off on depression and had my first desire to kill myself as I saw everything as pointless. (3. I realised I was gay, and don't start the whole choice/evil thing, it came into my mind without any sort of choice. I was so angry at everyone that i was gay. why the fuck couldn't i have been normal. After that I got threw quite a lot of good and bad times but it is as if when i am in a depression cycle, i forget that i was ever happy. As far as having no friends goes, I do talk to people and can get on ok but i just haven't the courage to ask to hang out with people, which seems to come so naturally to others, and i am very self concious in groups and hate any sort of spotlight. At times i get paranoid as well. I don't think i will ever kill myself but sometimes i want to. I don't want to tell anyone this in person because im so embaressed, i just wish my mum would accidentally come upon something like this note so i wouldnt have to say anything. If only I had the courage to go to the doctor and get some pills. Seriously i think i'm bi-polar. I get thoughts stuck in my head and i get worked up about nothing. I know it sounds selfish in a world of so many poor people, but i just wish i could relax forever with only comforts, because i just cant cope. I believe i may end up in a mental institution or living off some sort of disability claims going to a councillor once a week, and i would be happy with that, i just hate that i have to be treated as normal in my life now.


    Comments: 6   Votes:


     

    My Life

    Posted by anonymous at February 13, 2012
    Tags: 2012 February   Sexuality

    I guess it goes back to the moment I realized I wasn't physically a boy. It sounds weird, maybe, but as a toddler and a young child, I didn't realize the distinction. I just always felt like a boy, in mind and soul. When I realized I wasn't the same, I thought I was broken. Ever since, I've felt the same way for every day. Songs that are romantic and should make you feel good, only make me feel bad, because no girl will ever see me as a real man. Some may be able to feel right with the surgery, but to me it is like sewing wings on a dog. It may look like a bird, but it'll never fly. I feel like God is punishing me for some past life where I was Hitler or something. I look like a boy. I was always confused with one. I'm half black, so my hair is curly and so people would always call me a boy or couldn't tell. We moved around a lot and every time I had to start at a new school, I could see that same look I always got...is it a girl or a boy. I never wore dresses, except when my mother made me and I've always been masculine in my mannerisms and choices in clothes and stuff. I've been called all sorts of things, Cousin It, Pat. On top of all that, I'm fat and short and poor too. I had to come out as gay, which makes me laugh sometimes because -that- was more easier than explaining how I feel. I hate my body. It mocks me every time I look at it, telling me I will never be the man I feel like inside. I'm on disability and I hardly leave the little room I rent. I'm getting fat...

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    Comments: 7   Votes:


     

    It couldnt be worse.

    Posted by GermanGuy at February 11, 2012
    Tags: Family   2012 February   Sexuality

    My family is breaking apart (parents are divorced, both lie constantly to me), I'm not on good terms with them, I have barely friends, I'm gay, almost everyone in my environment is homophobic and every single day I'm sad and I cry and I wonder why I was chosen to live that life. I haven't been deeply happy for about six years. All I want is to be satisfied and happy with my life. Is it too much I'm asking for?


    Comments: 18   Votes:


     

    Wishing she would just leave

    Posted by Just Me at February 10, 2012
    Tags: 2012 February   Relationship   Sexuality

    I'm in a same sex relationship. Before meeting my girlfriend, I was alone for ten years. men didn't know i existed (unless they were creepy or married and looking for a fling). I love her, but she has borderline personality disoder and drives me up the fucking wall with all it entails. And she's in New Zealand, and I'm in the states. I can't just ignore her or walk away or abandon her, even with the distance. I just keep hoping she'll dump me, then I don't have to be the bad guy.


    Comments: 5   Votes:


     

    untitled story

    Posted by anonymous at February 5, 2012
    Static LinkTags: Attitude   2012 February   Sexuality

    i hate my life. i am gay but havnt told any1. i think people are getting suspicious because i am 20 years old and never had a girlfriend and still a virgin. i want to have a girlfriend so people dont think im gay but im that ugly that no girl would want to go out with me. i dont have a clue what to say to girls. i just go red. i hate it. doesnt help that i have the worlds biggest nose which i dont think ny person in the whole world finds attractive. i am also in a shitty job earning minimum wage. i have turned to the drink alot lately to get me through days when i have felt like killing myself. truth is i have felt like this for years but im too scared to kill myself incase it goes wrong and having to explain why i tryed to. i see no point in continuing my life like this it just seems as though im never goin to find love and live with mam n dad all my life in a shitty job living a lie. plz somebody help me


    Comments: 19   Votes:


     

    Hell

    Posted by Ocan at February 1, 2012
    Tags: 2012 February   Racial   Sexuality

    I learned the feeling of hate. Never thought I would.

    I'm a legal immigrant that came to the U.S. over 15 years ago. I'm now 21. I'm gay, and was bullied through Middle School and High School. I was slapped, spat on, beat up, and bullied CONSTANTLY. I did terrible in High School because of all the bullying, so I went on to a Community College. I graduated with an AA and with a 4.0, although I did not make any friends and never spoke to anyone. I would just go home and do homework and sit in class. Then I decided to go somewhere I thought would be more "inclusive." However, now I'm going through a new type of discrimination, racism. I live in a place where everyone is white and American, and clearly do not want to associate with me. I tried really hard to fit in, to make friends, and change my life around. I got a job, go into a top college, and have been involved with school and really concentrated on my homework. Seems magical doesn't it? But guess what, my co-workers choose to not associate with me. My teachers give me lesser grades than the ones I have earned, no one wants to be my friend, and my roommates treat me like if I didn't exist, all four of them. I hate my life. I hate everyone around me. I hate the world.

    The harder you try, the harder things get. And sometimes the weight is so much on your shoulders that you collapse. Right now I'm at that point. I'm about to lose everything. And the only thing that keeps me from diying is a mother who has done EVERYTHING for me. I'm so sorry that I'm not as good as a son as she is a mother. She works so hard and has done so much for me. I love her so much. But if it weren't for her, today I will not be here. And let it be known that I only live because the thought of having her to go through my loss doesn't let me go in peace. But if something was to ever happen to her, you better believe that I will KILL MYSELF OFF THIS PLANET!!!!!!


    Comments: 9   Votes:


     

    Fag Doctor

    Posted by Nobody Owens at January 22, 2012
    Tags: 2012 January   Life Story   Sexuality

    Hi, nowadays I'm a physician at Brazil. You´d guess that doesn´t suck all that much, but read my story.

    I was born in a very catholic family. Since from a young age, I´ve known I was gay. My family, obviously, totally condemns it. I´ve never had a fag hint. I´m manly, although I suck at sports and have always been kind of geeky and I think as a kid I was somewhat of a autist, I´ve never given a hint of being gay.

    Although my dad is kind of an alcoholist, he´s never beaten myself, my mother or my brothers. My family was poor, but raised me lonvingly to be a good guy, with high expectancies because from a young age I´ve been kind of a genious.

    I went trough elementary and high school badly, always been bullied, because I was kind of an autist, totally disconnected from reality, and that atracts lots and lots of bullying.

    When it came the time to choose a carrer, I chose medicine, because in this awful country, the only carrer that gives you some stability is medicine. I didn´t even know at the time how it would turn out or if I really wanted it. I was intelligent, and so it is in this country that everybody who can do well at tests ends up doing medicine.

    Went through college hating it. Hated my friends, who treated me like crap. My family is not rich and tuition is high for medicine, so I didn´t have any money for anything else but paying for college and my friends were more weal...

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    Comments: 10   Votes:


     

    i don't even know

    Posted by anonymous at January 19, 2012
    Tags: Family   Health   2012 January   Sexuality

    i tried to start my life over in college. it didn't work. i've been diagnosed with depression, borderline personality disorder, and adhd. many of my close family members including immediate family members have died of cancer or were killed. i'm questioning my sexual identity since high school. i was raped when i was thirteen and i don't know if i like girls because i was terrified of men or if i really am bi. my parents are christian and wouldn't understand at all. all my friends are very heterosexual and look down on gays. i am impulsive and really regret cutting myself and have scars that i am really ashamed of. i can't ever date because i can't seem to be very connected with people emotionally. i have one night stands with women and the occasional man but i can't date them. every time i have had a relationship with someone we break up because i don't talk enough or i'm not emotionally invested enough. people think i'm so happy and slightly eccentric and quirky. i'm actually quirky and sometimes eccentric but im never happy. i'm on academic probation this semester because i can't get myself out of this slump. i eat, go to the gym, sleep and sometimes go on the internet. my friends and family don't understand me. my extended family is very screwed up and everyone is separated or fighting about money and our deceased members' wills. everyone in my family doesn't talk because we all have our own problems and my parents and siblings like to pretend that everything is okay when in reality we are all going through something.


    Comments: 4   Votes:


     

    I'm ugly I want to die

    Posted by Ugly Asian at January 19, 2012
    Tags: Appearance   2012 January   Sexuality

    I'm 25. Acne. Big stomach, small legs and arms. Ugly face. Oh wait, I'm gay too. My face is so horrible, aside from the fact that I'm ugly, my face is full of acne, scars, comedones and blackheads. I want to die, I don't wanna go to school or work or go outside the house. I can't wear nice clothes because I have poor/bad body and if that's not enough of a problem, I am gay and I can't tell my family. I never had a boyfriend. No one likes me. No one loves me. This isnt life. I thought of committing suicide or worshiping the devil to give me beauty. No one can help me. Please kill me now. I wish the world would end in 2012 so I don't need to struggle in this life to survive.


    Comments: 64   Votes:


     

    What's wrong with me

    Posted by Hopeless and Gullible Romantic at January 7, 2012
    Tags: 2012 January   Relationship   Sexuality

    I'm a divorced man with two kids. My ex is tries to do everything to make my life hell. She does everything to have my kids not want to be in my life. It was a marriage of her yelling and living in hell everyday. I am a gay man. I met a man 3 years ago and fell in love. He was so wonderful in the beginning, but then he treated me terribly. He would cut me down all the time. He would never want to try to please me in anyway. He started to never want to have sex. He would get drunk and abuse me. I finally ended it with him. I recently met a guy that says he is totally in love with me, but he has a partner and in an open relationship. He keeps on saying that he is going to end it with him, but there is always a reason not to. I keep having to be alone and waiting. All this while, I try to be a great friend and reach out to people. I never have anyone that seems to want to be a true friend to me. I don't have any friends. My kids wouldn't care if I'm not around, and the man that I'm falling in love with has another. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of always getting the shaft. I'm tired of being treated like shit and not being treated the way I treat others.


    Comments: 14   Votes:


     

    Gotta get better.

    Posted by Caleb at January 1, 2012
    Tags: 2012 January   Loneliness   Sexuality

    I also struggle with the feeling of loneliness, and find it to be worse in the winter. I live in a small city in wisconsin and find it very hard to be myself here. I am gay and still in high school. I am the only one "out" at my school and am tormented daily. My father and I never had a good relationship growing up and as for my mother, she sat and watched me as I was raped by two of my babysitters since I was age 4. I turned to drinking and smoking and had alcohol poisoning in 9th grade. I focus all my attention on looking "good" that I realize now how messed up it has made me. Being gay, and living in a small town has only created more and more problems. I started sleeping around with guys as old as twice my age (34) and now more than ever I feel alone. I was dating a boy and it first I was happy but after a month of dating I dumped him. I know that another person cannot make me love myself but what can ? I have been on a few different meds and I am really trying to become natural as it is my new year's resolution because I am addicted to tanning and on a larger scale, just my looks in general... I hear I look good but it's never good enough for me. Can anyone relate to this feeling? So I try and hang out with friends but all of my girlfriends have boyfriends, so I become very jealous. and all the guys just want to fool around. I have debated suicide but the one thing that keeps me alive is the fact that when I turn 18 I am going to cosmetology school and want to become very famous for my skill with hair. I pray these feelings change.- Caleb Y.


    Comments: 11   Votes:


     

    Cop's son

    Posted by Greison at December 19, 2011
    Tags: 2011 December   Family   Sexuality

    My life sucks so bad. My father is head of police of( Not telling) But let's skip to the important part. My dad is a fucking douche bag. He sucks incredibly bad. First off he doesn't let me do anything. I mean ANYTHING. I can't date who I want and I'm 18. I am gay he found out the hard way.. ( me and my lover at that moment played around with his handcuffs.lol) So anyway.. He goes on a bitch fit and says I can't date him and shit. Oh yeah, he has also grounded me from my own brother before. Who does that!? Who??? I'm concentrating on not cussing him out and all. But just here letting y'all know that my life sucks ass.


    Comments: 2   Votes:


     

    disowned

    Posted by Hurt at December 18, 2011
    Tags: 2011 December   Family   Sexuality

    I am a lesbian, and i met the most wonderful girl who i love more than anything in the world. My family does not approve of my lifestyle but that is not something i can change. I spent so long hiding who I was that I tried to kill myself. they would like me to leave the woman I love and hide myself again. I tried to kill myself when I wasn't faced with losing the one person who showed any reciprocation to my love. That was not an option. so.. my family disowned me, kicked me out. Told me a was not their daughter. Later my mother tried to kill herself and wrote a suicide note telling the world that it was my fault. that my lifestyle drove her to take her own life.she was unsuccessful because i called the police and my father. he did not answer the phone but i left a message which he received and went to his house where he found my mother unconscious. the police arrived minutes later. He drove her to the hospital in time.My whole family blames me for this now, and it is my fault. But it was her or me, and I could not leave the woman i love by herself.


    Comments: 6   Votes:


     

    Tired of struggling

    Posted by jay at December 9, 2011
    Tags: 2011 December   Family   Money   Relationship   Sexuality

    I struggled my entire life. I am an openly gay man who came out to himself at 13, pushed it aside until I could no longer lie to myself at 19. I grew up in New Orleans, had positive and negative role models to choose from in the gay community there. I dove into relationship after relationship, meeting one bad partner choice after another (notice I am avoiding using the term "loser" as I could fit into that category right now) until I fell in love and formed a permanent relationship with my (now ex-) partner, let's call him Kale. He was 21 years older than me when we met. I was 29 and he turned 50 a few months later. I loved him with all of my heart. We were together 12 years. He could not drive, could not swim and smokes, drinks, and curses like the proverbial sailor, yet is the most senstive man I know. We "broke up" in January 2011, yet knew we couldn't say goodbye. The answer to that? We stayed living together. He co-habitate the way we always have yet live in separate bedrooms and have never had sex since. In fact, his lack of sex drive at all is partly responsible for breaking us up (at least for me). First he lost interest. Consequently I gained an enormous amount of weight. He refused to set boudaries with his friends and me, many of whom took extreme advantage of me, us, him, and our life together. Then, he lost the ability to maintain or even get an erection. We tried every pill on the market and while they work great on me (in fact after all this "I" now need Vi...

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    Comments: 31   Votes:


     

    My life

    Posted by Tony at December 2, 2011
    Tags: 2011 December   Money   Sexuality

    I'm 25, and I'm still a virgin. Everyone I know tries to convince me that I'm gay but I'm not attracted to men at all, I'm just scared to talk to girls. I felt so bad this past summer I wanted to end my life and I overdrew and maxed everything but I'm too chicken to go through with it. My family disowned me and I'm alone in NYC with a few friends that never ever call but they are always hanging out. I'm poor and three months behind on rent and hungry :)


    Comments: 10   Votes:


     

    whats my problem

    Posted by very much worried at November 23, 2011
    Tags: 2011 November   Sexuality

    I am obsessed with sex.A 57 year old man I cant get over it.It had always been like this since I could remember.I used to have sexual relations from a very young age onwards.I remember,when most of my friends used to dream wistfully about these acts,I was regularly getting it.But,now it is taking unprecedented turns.Highly dangerous in every sense.I dont want this to continue.I would welcome it if I could lose my sex urge altogether.Till date,I got off without much damage.But if it continues like this I will end up being a fool.
    Anyone got any ideas to lose this urge forever.


    Comments: 16   Votes:


     

    my life.

    Posted by anonymous at November 10, 2011
    Tags: 2011 November   Sexuality

    I am so lost. So incredibly lost. With no one to take my hand and help me along the way. My friends are all leaving me behind, and will likely never look back. Friends I spent many a sleepless night comforting while their tears soaked my sleeve. I have been used by many, loved by few. I have had my heart ripped, shredded, shattered and torn more times than I can count, and therefore I cannot form any sort of romantic relationships whatsoever.

    I am gay, and have been ostracized by many whom I had once considered my dearest friends. I have been told I am evil, filthy, worthless, and that I deserve to die a slow painful death because of who I am. I was shunned by my church. At one point the only living thing I could turn to was my dog. I poured my soul out to him, sobs and all, and he never judged me once. My family believes me to be an abomination. They express their grief and misery over the struggles they face daily because of having a gay son. I do not live with them anymore, and I do not see them often. No one knows I am their son unless I say otherwise. They have faced nothing. They do not know the meaning of misery.

    I was beaten and tortured within an inch of my life during middle school by a group of boys I went to school with. They tried to force me to perform oral sex on them all one day while I was sitting in the park. Alone.

    I am in college. It took me two months to work up the courage to attend a Gay-Straight Alli...

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    Comments: 7   Votes:


     

    I'll be honest for once.

    Posted by anonymous at November 8, 2011
    Tags: Attitude   2011 November   Sexuality

    I lie. I lie every single day of my life because I have to and I hate it. I won't beat around the bush, I'm just going to say it. I'm a pre-transition transsexual and every day is a living hell.

    I don't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body, I feel like a little girl in the body of some horrifying monster, every time I catch a glimpse of my jaw, my arms, my nose or any of that fucking disgusting hair on my arms and face it's like finding some revolting infected boil, I'm my own personal horror film and it never ends. Every day I do my best to be happy and pretend that nothing's wrong but that means tuning out. It means forgetting who I am, what I look like, what other people see but every time I see myself in the mirror, every time I'm called a boy or a young man I remember.

    I wear long sleeves and pants all the time so that I see as little of myself as possible. I remember a few months ago when I saw myself in a towel. I just stopped, sat down, put my arms around my knees and cried. It was physically painful, like being stabbed in the gut.

    I'm anorexic, I don't eat so that I don't gain muscle and I don't get taller but I do anyways. Every day I'm a bit more masculine, every day 'm a bit taller. Every day I'm a bit more of a freak.

    Apparently I'm attractive, I don't really give a damn. Being called an attractive male is like being given a bar of gold in the middle of a desert, I appreciate the sentiment but it's useless. Worse t...

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    Comments: 8   Votes:


     

    idk

    Posted by anonymous at October 31, 2011
    Tags: 2011 October   Relationship   Sexuality

    i stumbled onto this sight idk where to start or wht to even say

    i guess it starts with me falling in love with my best friend who is a lesbian(im a straight guy) we both used to be really close and then one day got real drunk and had sex, she said pretty much it was a mistake and she was super gay so we continue to be friends and maybe i have lost some of wht i felt for her but i still love her still care about her so much now on a side note my best friend of my 3 yrs outa high school im 20 is no longer my best friend i try to help him out by getting us this sick deal on a place and we could both better ourselves but he lost his job and i spent 2 mnths providing for him and his gf well one night we were all drunk and i relized all this and basically blew up on him and we were never right after tht, he jst barley moved out and tried to burn my house down a farewell gift, idk im in huge debt cause of him and now i have no best friend i try nd read and do hobbies bt i cant focus, i have had thoughts of suicide bt jst thoughts im a huge pot head so usually in a ok mood, but lately i feel like everyone is breaking off me all my frienmds i feel so alone and i havnt ever been in a "serious relation ship" ive been with chicks here and there have had sex with a total of 4 girls bt none of which i am currently with, i just really want and need a life partner someone who i can rely on i want it to be my lesbian friend bt tht will never be :( i feel so alone so depressed and feel my life is jst getting worse nd worse, and im a very good person id say i have real good karma bt idk shit aint workin out

    thanks for leting me vent

    good vibes and
    good times


    Comments: 5   Votes:


     

    I've got you all beat!

    Posted by Tod at September 29, 2011
    Tags: Justice   2011 September   Sexuality   Society

    I'll admit I've only read a few of your stories, just to get the general vibe of the site. However, I can bet money my life sucks more than yours.

    I am a 52 year old man who must register as a sex offender for the rest of my life. Because of that, I can not get a job. I can not find a decent place to live. I can not make friends with or date anyone respectable. I'm likely to die penniless and alone, and possibly homeless.

    Oh, but it gets worse. I'm about as ordinary, normal and boring of a guy that you'll ever meet. I don't drink. I don't abuse drugs. I don't even smoke. I've never harmed, harassed, threatened nor been inappropriate with anyone - man, woman or child - ever in my entire life.

    If that's not bad enough, read on.

    I was living a pretty good life before all of this happened. I worked as an Excel developer for a great company where I'd been for over ten years. I lived in an upscale neighborhood. I drove a nice car. I did not associate with criminals or crack heads. My friends were law-abiding, reputable members of the community. There was nothing about my life, nothing about what I said or did or the way I acted, that would make you think that I was anything more than just a regular guy. It never occurred to me for a second that my life crumble like it has.

    A few years ago I developed an obsession with online porn. I started spending so much time looking at porn I would even make excuses to not go to work or be wi...

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    Comments: 82   Votes:


     

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