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Forever sad.

Posted by JustSomeGirl at May 21, 2012
Tags: Attitude  2012 May

I hate my life, and I always have. No one knows but I have come to secretly hate every thing person on this planet. I am a 26 year old college student. I have always been told I was beautiful (even modeled at one point) but I have never ever felt like I was, because inside is a dark, hateful person. I actually feel joy at the demise of certain people, and it's my sickening reality.
Growing up, I was always very creative, happy and outspoken. I had a seemingly normal childhood. Vacations, holidays, birthdays, sports, shopping. Normal shit. Both of my parents were in the Marine Corps until I was about 4. But throughout my entire childhood I was hiding a very sad secret: my father sexually abused me when my mother wasn't home from ages 4-7. I was too young to know how terrible what he was doing to me was, so to me it was normal. I gre to understand, and so did his rage toward me and most of the people around him. He drank about an 18 pack of beer a day. He always worked a steady job though, so to the outside world, he was just a hard working father. But at home, he was verbally abusive and would punch or kick me when I was "acting up". Although I was close to my mother, to this day she thinks I "pushed him too far". Right.
Since I can remember, I have loved helping and empathizing with others. I always knew I wanted to go into psychology, and learn more about childhood development, partially so I can better understand what I went through myself. I just finished my third year of school, but with my surmounting education, came a surmounting hatred towards people. I have had so many encounters with people who just don't care about humanity, compassion, and love. They are all in competition with one another, and would turn their back on each other given it would help them succeed. It's sickening, and I have never understood this mentality. I still don't, but instead I have come to hate people. Maybe I'm just protecting myself, or maybe I am finally understanding the true essence of human nature. Hate.
I grew up "Catholic", whatever that means anymore, but never fully agreed with organized religion. So I adopted my own perspective, believing in God because I could sincerely turn to him in moments of despair and feel his presence within me. But all these fantastical notions about God and humanity have continuously been tested to the point that I'm afraid it's gone. I just don't see the point anymore.
I feel the worst for my boyfriend. When we met 10 months ago, I was holding onto the last string of hope within my heart, shining with positivity that summer as if the world was in my hands. But the winter has passed, and during that time I lost a job that was very important to me and it literally crushed my will to live. I'm sad every single day. When we wake in the morning, he always smiles and talks about how wonderful it is to see my beautiful face as the start to his day. But I just think about how I have to get through another day. It is a deep, burning pain that resonates within my soul. I can offer him nothing, and I have no way of fixing myself.
I'm a New Yorker who moved to Vermont in need of strengthening my connection with nature. Instead, I have faced nothing but opposition, competition, and regret. I can't stand this place. I don't know how I'm going to make it through my last year of school without plunging to my death. I know that God helps those who help themselves, but I can't. I'm at a loss. I don't know how I will ever crawl my way out of this mental black hole that I have fallen into.


Similar Entries:
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untitled story May 15, 2011
you all whine too much.... March 1, 2012
trapped August 22, 2011
Life in the Suck August 8, 2011

New Comment

By anonymous at 22,May,12 13:16

Hang in there girl,this is my very first comment on here so something about you must have toch my heartn to respond to your story, I know how hard it is to trust people after what you went tru with your dad but look at the bright side of it, YOU HAVE A BF WHO ADORES YOU many do not have that so please take heart and hang in there because you are valued in Gods eyes AND HE HAVE A PURPOSE FOR YOU so satan and his demons are trying to find a way to destroy you. Do not give them chance. Losing your job is not the END of the world and am sure u will find another soon. Keep strong and PRAYERS SEND YOUR WAY.

By anonymous at 22,May,12 15:55

Oh my. Classic case of depression, love. You need to get on meds or (what I did) start a smoking regimn of weed and use a close friend (or your boyfriend) to work out your issues. You'd be amazed at what cannabis will help you realize about yourself and your life, how much honesty can come when the bullshit defenses are down. However, if you are against the quick fix, then do it the hard way. Get out there, meet people, work up and out of the seemingly impossible black hole that encompasses you. Pray everyday to forgive those who have sought to extinguish your light, so that you may fully begin to live without the suffocating restraints of anger and resentment. Only when you start to let go of the past, can you embrace your future. Good luck.

By anonymous at 22,May,12 19:44

The Northeast is a cesspool of narcissistic assholes. Graduate, then move down South where the people are just as fake but slightly more tolerable and A LOT less angry and arrogant.

By anonymous at 23,May,12 17:50

well its sad what your dad did to you...but the rest is just...bullsh*t whining...oh my boyfriend tells me how beautiful I am...youre lucky you have a BF who cares abotu you...i know lots of ungrateful women ni the same position...theyre just depressed miserable for whatever reason...but they have a lot to be thankful not sure what your gripe're dont have much to be depressed're just weak and any given thing that comes your way you crumble....youre not that bad off...if you are considering suicide need to rethink the fact taht your life isnt that bad at all! the truth about humans is completely true..humans are vile evil sick disgusting loatheful creatuers who aim to hurt others...what you discovered is true and don't let it bring you down's how the world is and it sucks...

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