|Posted by Z32 at June 13, 2012
I am gay. It is a very lonely life. I have spent most of my years looking for the right girl. I truly believe there is not one girl out there for me. I have been debating this for most of my years too. Each women that I feel is right for me is straight. I spend many nights watching lesbian flicks and watch these actresses and story lines. I just can't imagine I will ever get the opportunity to fall in love. There is some people (ie friends) who tell me how beautiful I am how wonderful I am but I just don't see it. I don't believe in myself anymore. I am turning 36 this year and realizing the loneliness that will ensue. For all those people who think I choose to be gay is so wrong. If I could choose I would rather date a man and get married and have kids but that is not fair to him or the children. Does this make sense to anyone at all? There are times I wish I could just shout as loud as I can, "all I want is to love and be loved". Does everyone understand that I will be alone and die alone. That is really the bottom line. I don't want to be alone at my own funeral. And since I am opening up to whomever reads this I also want to state this.......... TO All those fucknuts in public who breathe hate against people any kind of people don't understand they are trying to push law and make decisions that affect me not them. Why do we let public officials push law or change that does not directly effect them or their love ones but it does effect comp...
|Posted by dminilsc at May 25, 2012
I'm 33 years old and gay. I had a very good career in Washington, DC, but decided to go to graduate school. My first summer I started hanging out with this guy as friends, but started liking him, and he indicated he was interested in me. Because of my self-doubts, I never acted on his signals, so I friend-zoned myself. He met someone else, and we remained friends, with my feelings growing even stronger. We were best friends, spending nearly every day with each other increasingly closer. Throughout that year, he still sent me signals: tried to kiss, spent Valentine's Day with me instead of his boyfriend, would hug me very tight and pat my behind. Eventually, I couldn't hold it in anymore and told him how I felt and he rejected me. I went on a total bender, drinking, drugs, casual sex. I even changed my degree program to finish one year earlier. I graduated without a job and with $40,000 USD in student loan debt. My sister gave birth to her first child and I moved to help her (she's a single-mom). She lives in the suburbs of a small southern city where I don't know anyone and it's an hour to the nearest gay bars. I finally got a job, but I didn't like it and they wanted me to move across the country; they eventually fired me. I saved some money, but it's all going to student loans. So after finishing school three years ago, I'm jobless, friendless and still dealing with the sting of rejection. I'm technically over him, but have not been able to move on because I have no social outlet and no money to find one.
Short version: heart-broken, jobless and living with family for three years.
|Posted by anonymous at May 23, 2012
I hate my situation so bad. I hate it with a fiery passion. I have never been as unhappy about how I live now than I ever have.
I am currently engaged. I am a lesbian. I am engaged to a woman 14 years older than me. She is once divorced. Has kids. One lives with us. I want to leave her. She isn't very nice to me. I am young. I feel like I can be happy one day. I just hate it here with her. She doesn't make me feel good. She can't support herself. I used to love the crap out of this woman. I don't think she ever really loved me. I think she is settling for me. I am sick of fighting for her. She can only have sex with me when she is drunk. She doesn't think I am very attractive. She freaks out about everything. She just freaked at me cause I accidently erased some spices she had on the grocery list. We got into a huge fight about it. I just don't want her anymore. I don't know why she keeps me around. This sucks. This life sucks. I know I can do better. I just don't know how to get out.
|Posted by G.A at May 9, 2012
I am from a shitty ,close minded country in middle east, was raised in a very conservative and strict religious family.what makes it worse is that I'm Gay,I knew I was gay ever since I was 10 years old, it's been always hard for me living among homophobic,I was such an angry teenager coz I couldn't figure out why I was gay , I hid myself carefully till I left that shit hole when I turned 21, I didn't finish my collage education coz I couldn't afford it, I worked in so many different kinds of jobs ,slept on the street,I can't tell anyone that I am gay, I am 28 years old now and I feel like i didn't establish anything ,I was running from who I am my entire life,I still can't accept the fact that I am gay and I also can't stand it any longer,my closet is shrinking ,I wanna be ok with who I am, I wanna tell everyone that I am gay and get it over with, recently I started losing my self-esteem. I no longer can stay in china due to regulations changing , I have nowhere else to go to,I never wanna go back to that place, being gay is illegal there,they execute gays , I don't wanna be killed for who I am , I tried to get to the U.S.A but my applications got denied,I tried Canada but it's got rejected as well,I have nowhere else to go to. What the F;;K should I do? it's like the whole world is standing against me.
|Posted by anonymous at April 29, 2012
This si my 4th entry in this website. And yes my life sucks.
I'm a 20 years old moroccan gay man, alone and lonely. I've been in some relationships that lasted only for some days. I have lots of qualities that can make of me a very popular person. I'm smart, somehow funny, and somehow nice. I study French at University, and I know lots of poeple. I hang around with them a lot, I somehow feel accepted and loved. But it seems that at some point, they let go of me. I can't figure out why. I do my best so I can stay close to them, but it just doesn't work. I look around and see people talking and laughing, and having a good time together, but they barely notice me, or come to me. It always has to be me the one to go to them. Sometimes I just feel like I want people to abroad me, and talk to me. It might seem a very benign issue, but actually it sucks. I've come to lose all my emotions and my motivation. I don't feel like having friends anymore, though I know it's very important. Maybe that's the reason why after all ? It shows that I'm a very cold person, so nobody dare approach me ? I also feel uncomfortable under my skin(But I don't lack much of self confidence). I think other people are resilient and independant, unlike me. I can go and talk to someone, and make it look like I really need them, but they seem to be distant and careless. I feel like being with me or not is something that makes no difference. People have their own lives, and I don't. They act the way they like, and are not afraid to show it. And that pisses me off.
I don't know if what I say makes sens, but I hope you understand me.
|Posted by sad at April 27, 2012
I am so unfortunate. I didn't choose to be born as a gay. Yet, I have to suffer through the consequences. No one really knows who I am... who I am deep inside. No one. Not even single one. I am alone. I cannot be who I am. I feel dead inside everyday. I feel purposeless.
Sexual minorities are more unfortunate than many other disadvantaged groups. Sexuality forms a big part of who I am and if I constantly need to hide this part of myself, then I cannot truly grow as a person. I am very sad. I have been meeting with a counsellor but he sucks. He too is gay but he really doesn't know what he is doing. All he does is trying to make me feel good, but I am not interested in someone trying to make me feel good. Rather, I want someone who can give me directions, a guidance that have practical usage in this world.
Life is hard. But life is even harder for a sexual minority. But people, the heterosexual people, just don't fully and truly understand or realize this, and they never will. I am very sad. My life is very unfortunate. I wish I was never born in the first place. I am 23 and this is one big thing that is and has been holding me back greatly.
I want to have friends. I want to be myself. I just want to be my free self. But I can't. I have been hiding myself for too long... I have been repressing myself for so long that now it's automatic. It's as if it has become deeply embedded as part of my personality. This is not who I was meant to be. No. Not this... Why.....
|Posted by anonymous at April 20, 2012
I have barely any friends. Like 4. It's evident that they don't like to hang out with me sometimes, and I suspect that maybe all of them hate me, and they're just trying to be nice to me. I'm bi or gay, I don't know, and I can't come out to my parents because they're both homophobes. I fear for my life and/or physical abuse if my dad found out. My school is also homophobic, and I can't come out to them either. I'm fat, thankfully I'm losing weight, but I'm still fat. I have trouble making new friends since I moved, as I said I only have four, and everyone that talks to me gets the idea that I don't like them, which is true, I do push people away, but it's only because I'm afraid of being hurt. My friends back home haven't talked to me at all, and it seems like everyone's forgotten about me already. I'm so sad and I've contemplated suicide many times. I don't cut, but only because I haven't the time to.
|Posted by whatever at April 20, 2012
i have a good life, im smart, everyone likes me, but i dont belong to my own group and have no great true friends to be with, i spend weekends alone, and when im alone i can only focus on one thing, the fact that im gay and its a choice i had no matter in. and i question myself all day, every day, and cry when considering how to tell my parents, and thats enough to make anyone hate their life
|Posted by 17ba at April 16, 2012
I used to be very depressed & suicidal, but have learned to suppress most of my emotions. I was unhappy because I am gay (no choice) and my religion said it was wrong. I have few friends, & only 1 that i am really me around them. I have recently had doubts about my religion but still believe there might be a god (no jesus though!, the bible is stupid!)
My question is, Is it really that bad that I suppress my emotions & have given up on people. (I don't wish to harm people though)
|Posted by hungryforeasternot at April 9, 2012
It's 4am and it's easter. I can't sleep and i dont even know how i got here. I read some stories and some got me a bit emotional i could relate too a few and it made me want to speak out. I'm 18, Male, gay I havent had the easiest childhood, but not the worst. I didnt know at the time but now i'm more than aware I don't think im totally right in the head. Me At the age of 8 or 9 my little neice must of been about 4 or 5? it's all abit blurry i have terrible memory she came onto me. my siters daughter! she kissed me i didnt know what too think at the time i didn't know it was wrong i remember trying to put my penis inside her, not even a inch in i panicked and didnt do anything nothing happenned from there. She wrote in her diary it was a normal day when i was 9 or so. I remember seeing my sister thinking everything was fine and saying Hey she didnt reply she looked at me with disgust my aunty was there, my dad my mum and my sister all sat on the sofas ready to confront me. Myself not having a clue what was going on i was so horribley upset i said yeh to doing it at the time i didnt know what i did or what happenned. Thats the moment where everything went wrong, i havent spoken to my sister in about 8 years now, god i miss the old times from what i remember i havent spoken to my neice either. I dont know how much of the family know i just dont like to think about it. I had to have several councilleing meetings my parents secretley set up and drove me too. I was so inexperie...
|Posted by BRose at March 26, 2012
I'm 25 I live in the south where being gay and pagan makes you a double outcast. Most of the gay guys I know are surprising snooty towards me when they find my religious perspective out. Not to even mention my family. My mother, when she's entirely sober, is mildly disapproving of who I am. Other times she is more or less saying stop being who you are and be like the son I deserve. Like she has any room to talk since she's only been in my life since I was 17. Once I had to wrestle her off my step dad when she got some bad drugs and even introduced me to my previous room mates ended up killing someone and then were on their way to kill me!!!! Its been two years since that happened but it still haunts me. Why the hell was I spared when most of my family thinks I am evil incarnate. And I can't meet guys. Sure I have a steady job and I pay my bills and maintain a partially normal life, but I can't drive. I have a medical condition that prevents me from doing so safely. And heaven forbid I meet a guy. My current room mates who I swear keep me around just to clean things around the house and provide money won't let me even think about bringing a guy over. Which works out since I never really had a boyfriend. NO guy really talks to me. Most just think I talk funny and I am not skinny enough or fashionable enough. The only companionship I can find is with my cats and my plants. They don't judge me. They don't tell me I"m weird. That I'm effed up. I was prevented a quick death only to be dealt with a long drawn out torture of living. Every moment I lose a bit of my soul and when I"m alone its the best I can do to not break into tears.
|Posted by anonymous at March 24, 2012
I am a professional man. I am married to another man, but the state doesn't recognize our marriage. For fourteen years I would have argued with anyone who claimed he would mess around with anther guy. Then I found emails where he was talking with other guys about hooking up for sex. He says he didn't do it, but I don't know what to think. He keeps secrets from me and is very reserved about what he does when I am not around.
I took a new job so I wouldn't travel as much so I could be with him. He took a new job that lets him not work when I am working and works when I am not working. He has a lot of free time, but doesn't tell me much about what he is doing. I don't know if he is fucking around. If he is I can't stop him. It's so available.
My new job has me working 10 hour days five days a week and several hours on Saturday and Sunday. (no extra pay) from problems that started because of the person in the position before me.
I have two kids, both adults, who seem to mostly contact me when they want something and they come by at Christmas to get gfts. They live in another state.
I don't want to live without my husband, but I don't want to live the way things are either. When I try to talk about things he gets mad. I dont know how to do anything else.
Life sucks, but not in a good way. I don't know how much longer it can go as it is. Too many things are fucked up at the same time.
|Posted by anonymous at March 19, 2012
I live in fear of judgement and discrimination.
Though things have improved, my self image is consistently poor and I can't see what my friends try to tell me they see.
I can't find work, I have no money, I have no confidence and sometimes I wonder if I have any friends.
My life isn't as bad as a lot of others here - heck my life has improved. but in reality, what happiness I've had has just been due to a relative shift in my life. It still sucks, but it used to be hell.
How does one find love when they are faced with a dilemma of keeping a lie or risking losing everything by revealing a secret.
I don't have any physical attraction anyway due to my own inhibitions due to my own hatred of my genitals, but I seek love and don't have much hope in finding it.
Some days are really happy, when things go right. But on others, I feel very alone.
I feel sorry for these people going through far more morbid issues on this website. I've been there too, but that's in my past now. My childhood was littered with thoughts of self harm and desperate attempts to fix myself. I'd cry every time my dreams disintegrated in the morning. I'd wish every secondof every day that things would change, and fight my own hatred to keep myself both alive and intact, hoping these feelings would go away as I matured - that I would become normal.
While this is in the past, it still scars me. I wish I had a normal childhood, and I wish I could relive that through caring for my own children, but unfortunately, I can't have kids - despite my longing.
|Posted by SuckyLife at March 16, 2012
I am gay.
and I'm asian.
and I live in indiana.
I'm not out to my family. I just can't. They won't accept it no matter what.
I'm not even out to my friends. They will all just leave me because east asians are very homophobic.
Everyday I wake up and hypnotize myself into thinking today will be better than yesterday but we all know that's such bullshit.
I want to make friends but I'm afraid of getting too close to anybody because then I would have to come out to them.
My life just doesn't make sense. It's just not fair. What's the meaning of my life? What am I still alive? that's right. I'm alive because I can't kill myself. FML
|Posted by anonymous at March 14, 2012
I am 22, male-gay. I am so ugly that I am worthless. No takes me seriously. I am disrespected or simply taken for granted. I am place in a very disadvantaged position wherein the world I live judges me on how I look physically. I can't enjoy my life because on how I look. I am made fun because of my condition. I have a fat face with facial features that are too near each other. My eyebrows are sagging that it makes my eyes smaller. My nose doesn't have a bridge, it has a flat tip and wide alars. My lips are thick uneven and very disproportionate.
My skin is full of imperfections. Acne, blackheads, whiteheads, ice pick scars, deep scars, spots, and unwanted facial hair and enlarged pores. I have cystic acne which is very hard to treat even with Accutane.
My body is very disproportionate. Not muscular enough for a man's body. I have a big belly with tiny arms and legs. I have been working out for the past 5 years but my efforts proved to be ineffective.
I want to enjoy my life. But I am restricted on the way I look. I can't look well in pictures and go out with friends because I can't look good because of my face and skin and I can't wear nice clothes because of my body. Why is the world like this? It is soo unfair for me to have these soo much problems to bear. I cry every night because I feel like I'm doomed, I am a useless garbage. No matter what I do I look disgusting and filthy. I am exhausted and aggravated by life. I have no friends and...
|Posted by Matt at March 8, 2012
The longest relationship I have ever been in started when I was 13 with a woman about twice my age. We were in a relationship for a few years, until our relationship was "discovered" and she went to prison. We had a child together, who I have not seen since she went away. He is seven now.
I also have to add that I am a gay male. The whole time I was with her, I knew this, but had deep insecurities about it because of all the harassment I had encountered because people accused me of being gay. I "came out" of the closet at 17 and have been searching for someone ever since. I have had one relationship with a guy that turned out to be only sexual and went on for a few years. I have been deeply in need of someone that I can count on in a sexual as well emotional manner. I have spent so many nights literally crying myself to sleep, and pathetically imagining that that person is laying beside me. I hate it. I hate life so much sometimes! I have been told my countless people that I am good looking, that the "right person will come along", etc. etc. I am 23 years old, and am the only one of my friends who have not been in a serious relationship. I used to live in a small town, there were hardly any gay guys but i seemed to be the only one that didn't have someone. I have recently moved to a bigger city, which i thought would help. I actually met a guy who is seriously everything I could ever hope for in a guy. We spent an amazing night together talking, drinking and sleeping ...
|Posted by anonymous at February 28, 2012
TO start off, i am gay. And its something i struggled with my whole life being brought up in a christian family. My life seemed to be going great when i was young though.(popular, good looking, did well in school) but at the time i was denying myself. Eventually i started to want a relationship and in high school i started to realize who i was,a gay guy. i also started dressing more fem and becuase of it i felt i was starting to get treated as an outcast, i had a hard time making friends,and my family as a whole treated me like i was some freak. When i started to go through puberty i pretty much lost my looks and my confidence along with it. Its hard to keep any when your own mom calls you ugly. EVen though she takes care of me(food and housing), my mom has never treated me that well personally. and my dad is pretty much gone and moved away.
Now in the present, i hav started dressing more masculine adn i feel good looking once again. I also have come out to everyone except ym dad since he is not around, and i have no shame about it. But even now, i get treated differently. as if people know im gay so they avoid me/dont really bother with me. I have tried finding other gay people but its hard since they are a minority. Had 1 bf in the past, didnt last long. And everytime i try to get into a relationship with someone im attracted to i get shot down, and i really dont understand why. plenty of guys adn girls like me and fidn me attractive but the ones i like never...
|Posted by avi at February 21, 2012
Hey hi its being very longtime m in depression.I am 32year guy jobless too. From childhood time i was sexually assaulted and i became gay.i was not good in studies too. But I am very hard working guy. I just make stories for people around me much of fantasy to proved myself as high profile guy but within i getso much hurt.I twice fall in love with guy who was younger then but relation ended within year. I am very lonely guy and sometime feel like ending up life. I am so lonely no one ard tho mine family loves me alot but somewhr somethg is holding me to reached at destination. I spend so much of time in education till now. I am living life as double personality. I am so much in mess. I want to get on track with honest hard work but seems to be no end for all ths.Can someone help me out.
|Posted by Coon at February 19, 2012
Well my life started out well until i was around 10 years old when i first discovered i was Gay. Ever since i tried to change my ways but i cant im in love with my friend and i cant tell Him because i dont know how he will react. To top it all off im ugly, lonely And probably the most boring person you will ever meet, i have nothing going for me, im no good at sports, nethir am i interest, im not good at anything i do apar from my job which is shit. I just want something i can be interested in and good at. I hate my
|Posted by anonymous at February 16, 2012
I have a bad case of eczema (rash on my skin) on my whole body so it is visible in t-shirts and makes me feel even more like a freak. I have some very evil thoughts sometimes and I really hate myself for them. I am often lazy and don't do things the way I should, in short I really hate myself. Also I hate my job, it's shit and even a monkey could do it but it is also very stressful sometimes, however usually it's just boring. A lot of the staff I work with are also complete idiots and very annoying. I had some gay experiences years ago so I hate myself for them as well, and occasionally I still have some gay thoughts which make me hate myself even more. I am very paranoid about people from work finding out about this as well as most of them don't really like gays and I would definately have problems if they found out. Just to clarify though, I am not really gay, not even bisexual really in my opinion, the gay incidents happened when I was very young and it was only because I was horny and drunk the first time then I became confused because of the first incident. In fact I said that I was gay when I was younger because I was so confused but I really was not however I disgraced myself in the process.
When I was younger I always thought I would eventually become successful, not massively successful just in a job that pays relatively well, at the minute I'm working in a job which I hate which is very demeaning dirty work wiping bums. Also me and my girlfri...