|Posted by anonymous at February 1, 2012|
I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't control my mania. i have feeling that i am evil a lot though i always do or try to do the right thing in regards to not stealing, making myself helpful to people in need. i am not the most thoughtful person but try to be. I just dont understand why i have these fits. I live with my brother i think he is mentally abusive as well as a kind guy to me. 1/2 the time he tells me how i should live, whats wrong in my life etc, without giving me time to speak. he aggs me on and will follow me around the house where i can't avoid it and end up exploding. I always end up the bad guy in our family. what is wrong with me. i end up wanting to die. this hurts my mother a lot. I feel worse. I can't control how i feel about my life. I need to move out of my parents home, trying to save the money and i believe life will get better. Why can't it be now i try meditating, yoga, praying, life gets better for a week and then i explode. What can i do. i feel socially inadequate as well often wanting to straight up avoid seeing or speaking to people even my co-workers.
I often want to tell my father im not in the mood to talk, but thats rude to do, but i still tell him. is it that rude? I know once he passes I''ll wish i could hear his hour long stories that should only take 5 minutes, but i don't now, and this causes an angry feeling in me. I sometimes tell him i don't want to conversate, sometimes i just listen. Am i evil, i know im bitchy and unhappy.
|Posted by cygnusmom at February 1, 2012|
I am a "survivor" of suicide. My son, the love of my life, ended his close to 9 months ago. The irony of this is painful. 9 months is the gestation period that I had before having him. I loved him so very much. He made me want to be a better person. I wasn't always a better person, but I loved him and tried in every way that I knew how, to let him know, that I'd love him no matter what, that I'd support him, regardless of whatever decisions he made for his life, e.g., profession, etc. He is gone. My heart is forever broken. I question every move I have ever made as a parent. I feel failure and shame and despair and guilt. I want more than anything to go back in time and stop him from destroying himself. But I cannot do that. It is too late. I don't know if I can feel joy again. If you are considering suicide, please think about those that you will leave behind. Not only am I, my poor, incredibly saddened husband, and many friends and family impacted with incredible sorrow and questions (what did I miss?!), and guilt...I have witnessed people that my boy had no clue he'd impact, crumble, topple over an edge they were on already, and fall into a sad abyss, as a result as his loss. I had a neighbor who watched my child grow up...he was not close to my son, but tended toward depression, and the tragic nature of my son's loss, prompted him towards more depression, dismay, confusion, questioning the whole goddamned universe, etc. Us "survivors", if you can ca...
|Posted by Polly at February 1, 2012|
My life sucks ass. We have no money, we are months behind on all of our bills, my ex-step father moved in to help us pay our bills and now he's causing so much stress and getting on my nerves. I hate my life. I hate that I constantly have to worry about if my husband is gonna blow up on my step dad or if my step dad is going to screw us over. Which he already has. Im tired of cooking and cleaning. I do the dishes and then 5 minutes later someone brings 10 more dishes. I hate that I Have no back bone. I wish I could just scream out everything that I feel
Like FUCK EVERYONE. I Wish everyone would just leave and it was me And my daughter. BUT wait im so freaking lazy I wouldn't be able to financially support us. And add that im overweight Im such a failure. Sometimes I wish that something would would happen like I'd get sick just so I could go stay in the hospital and Not worry about shit. I need to grow some balls.
|Posted by shouldn't complain at February 1, 2012|
My dad, my best friend. 67 lost his life to leukemia. i struggled with him side by side for 4 years. his life was miserable. just to turn around and lose the battle.... i haven't been the same since. I don't know what to do. and a couple months before that i broke up with my gf of 5 years... so my life has been completely flipped upside down. the stress, anger, pain, emotions are so overwhelming, and then having to live day to day and fake everything is ok. just to come home and drink my pain away. im stuck in a rut. and when i finally think i found something to help me through my struggles.... a new g/f. i adore her, and want to treat her like gold.. but she has a lot of "guys" that are friends, and its causing a lot of issues. im not a jelous guy but some things she is saying isnt adding up. anyway, i can't really complain. i have my health, friends, a roof over my head. i feel bad complaining but i feel everyone has their own demons to deal with. watching my dad gasp his last breath, and i hugged his neck, was by far.. the worst day of my entire life. he was afraid to die, and that struck a chord with me. it bothers me everyday knowing he was scared when he left this world.....
|Posted by anonymous at January 31, 2012|
I hate my life, my job and people!!!
I moved to the US about 12 years ago with a woman who is now my crazy ex. For 8 years she was a self medicating drunk. I don't know how many times I came home and she was drunk. She was a binge drinker, and I have grown to despise her and the feelings are moving towards hate. I am a guy so sex is important and it was non existant or she wanted to have sex when she was drunk. What a turn off!! I started looking outside the marriage not for sex but for someone to have a normal conversation with, something towards a normal life. Well my ex was diagnosed with ovarian cancer which was removed by surgery and she was fine but she developed an addiction to pain medication. So instead of being a drunk now she was always wasted on pain meds. I know this sucks and I know there are plenty of people who go through this without cheating but I cheated on her. I had an affair with a woman and it was nice to be semi normal with someone.
My ex found out and since that day she has constantly rubbed it in. SHe made my life hell. I have a temper I admit that but I have never hit her, I have smahed a few things in frustration but I never laid a hand on her. Well I paid alot of money to get her off the pain medications. Well we went thorugh the motions until I got laid off and then she wanted to move to some island for the "ideal life" and as much as it sounded perfect someone needed to work and keep a roof over our heads. I got a new job w...
|Posted by anonymous at January 31, 2012|
I sit here reading your stories lying in a bed, praying for god to take the pain away, listening quietly to the radio. 4 yrs ago my life basically ended... on a summer night, I was on my way to work when all of a sudden I was struck by a drunk driver. Knocked out, I came to with the alcohol on his breath, saying thank god I didn't kill you. After his arrest, it was found out it was his 15th dui arrest and I was his first victim. Both cars were destroyed, but I got up, walking around like normal, thinking I was hurt but refused the ride to the hospital. At the urge of my husband I went the next morning to learn I had broken my neck and back. I was a walking miracle, I broke the bone in my neck right into my spinal cord. I shattered the bone right above the bottom of my spine..., 4 surgeries later, I have a new bionic neck, and more hardware in my spine than most. I have lost the ability to have children, ever. I have never had a day since the accident without pain.... and I am talking screaming, crying, begging for mercy pain. I have lost most of my memory, I don't remember my wedding day, or graduation, or parents funeral. All his because someone else made a mistake. I was just going to work. I can no longer have sex with my husband, I can no longer take a walk, swim,ride a bike, work, or go out to eat without loading up on oxycontin and morphine. I wear a body brace, have kids point and laugh, and people stare....'again not my mistake. I go in weekl...
|Posted by energizedmortal at January 31, 2012|
brother died in a violent car crash in 2005 he was 21 i was 19. I got home from college in 2008 and find out that both my parents lost their jobs. Now I'm 25 and sleep in the living room helping them pay the bills. I can't afford myself, a wife, kids, my own place. God forbid I be able to save or take a vacation. I'm sinking in student debt. I made enough mistakes that soon they will garnish my wages and I am better off not working and will probably walk into an ocean with weights in my jacket. Im very pale and skinny with yellow teeth. Even though most things and people in life are beautiful and admirable, it doesn't out weigh the horrors of life, terror, depression, and fear of continuing to endure chronic mental pain. Why should I live? To rat race a robotic dead meets end living with no opportunity to explore people or life because the economy and our leaders have failed. We all heard it before "just get more education and work hard to make whatever amount of money you want". Its bullshit and we all know it. Not everyone has the same capacity, wealth is regulated and concentrated and even if you do manage to get a great income you're probably never home or always stressed and can't really enjoy it. I do not have the imagination others have, I am not as strong minded, and worst of all I don't even want to try- i wish I did- I don't. Life just doesn't appeal or interest me anymore and I am ready to move on. I'm tired of living in a world of make believe where you can b...
|Posted by anonymous at January 31, 2012|
just before i got out of high school, i met a girl through some mutual friends.....she was very beautiful and we had so much fun together...i was kind of a jock toughguy joker in school, who tried to make everyone laugh and she and i really hit it off.....over the couple of years, we became very close, almost attached at the hip....after she got out of school, we planned to move in together and start a family.....i truly loved this girl with all of my heart and i thought i was well on my way to a normal life like my parents.....she always used to say that we were soulmates and i started to believe it......one night we were having sex and all of a sudden she did this crazy sideways lean to her right during the act.....i felt a POP down on the left side of my penis and the pain was very intense, even though i tried not to show it.... a couple of seconds later i couldn't stand it anymore....i acted like i heard something outside, so i got up and "fake" looked around, then made my way to the bathroom.....by this time the pain was extremely bad, i could barely walk but there was no bruising....it stopped hurting after a little while, i acted like i didn't feel very good so we didn't finish having sex, i said i wanted to go to sleep and we did....over the course of the next several months, my penis started pulling to the left due to the scar tissue being less elastic than normal penile tissue....first only a little and it wasn't that bad, but it...
|Posted by N at January 31, 2012|
I want to kill myself. I won;t though as I know the ripple effect and I believe that life IS beautiful and there is a reason for living, but I am stuck in a rut. I am fucked off. I studied Law at Uni. I wasnt very good but I managed to get a good grade at the end of it. Everyone was like oooh youre studying Law thats so good you will get a good job and career etc.
I finished at the end of 2010. I have been doing temporary work for a bit from 2010 to August 2011. Since then I have been unable to find work. I am going fucking gaga. I email and call and send applications daily. I have been for interviews. I went for an interview last Weds and they said they would make a decision by Thursday. I am still waiting. I have just emailed them to follow up. They said they would be making a decision by Thursday but keep me fucking waiting ! What is this !!! Whenever I am in a position of authority and I have to make decisions involving HUMAN BEINGS I am going to be straight up and honest. I can take the truth. If you dont want me for the job - TELL ME, dont keep me hanging like a puppet. I have put on weight, without even realising ! I used to work out 6 days a week and I used to have a spring in my step, and I used to wonder about the world, but now I look in the mirror and see a slow death. That is dramatic yes. I am incredibly lucky and have a lot to be grateful for however I am still fucking pissed off with this situation. I wish I didnt fucking go to University it's a waste...
|Posted by ??? at January 31, 2012|
My life sucks so much. Nothing ever seem to go right. Like luck working against me at every opportunity. Childhood was crap. Never allowed to hang out so never developed any social skills so now socially awkward in any given situation. ITs hindering me soo bad. Tried my hardest at school but due to one stupid exam, it has dictated my life in such a bad way. Originally was going to be a biochemist but due to one sh** test it all went wrong. Ended up chaging careers and went ot university. Turns out to be a waste of time. Got the grades but it was the most hellish time of my life. The people around me were toal D***s. Stole things that didnt belong to them, and many others which I cant be bothered mentioning. Now cant get a damn job anywhere cos no experience. How the F*** do I get experience without having prior experience. Simples you would think but every avenue just dies. Tried giving work away for free but even then tis not good enough. Never had a job cos I dont no how to deal with people so positive attitude have dwindles. These days if you can polish a turd you're in. never mind those who if given one chance to shine, they can do it. Im so sick of life at the moment. One big long road of disasters over and over. Having even been in a relationship yet. Im 24. Freak right. Everyone goes on about it. Just cos their life worked out great, they decide to trod on someone down. Loved a girl back in school but never had the courage to ask her out. It broke me. I sometimes w...
|Posted by Cranky at January 31, 2012|
I'm a female, just celebrated my 22nd birthday. A little over a year ago I left halfway through my 3rd year of college because I was having crippling panic attacks on a regular basis, which I thought was a sign that college wasn't the right choice for me. So I left, and moved into my sister's house at the other end of the country. She was there, her husband, he six kids, and my father. I had about a 2 grand in the bank, a car, a place to stay...just had to look for a job, life seemed pretty even and pretty possible. Panic attacks were gone too. But then I started having an affair with my sister's husband. The whole thing felt like a manic binge. No matter how much I hated him, myself, or the whole situation, I couldn't stop. Looking back I think I did it because I had all this anger built up in me. Needless to say this alienated me from that side of my family. Got a job in the city. Got a shitty apartment in a shitty part of town. Both in my town and at work I was the only white girl. Ran out of money. Moved in with my sister at the other end of the country. Fucked her boyfriend. Moved back in with my mother. Decided to go back to school at the other end of the country (back and forth). Got kicked out of the first place I was living in because of roommate trouble. Live in a dirty house with three strange men.
I pray that they leave me alone. They seem to, though I've got my eye on one who I can't get a good read on.
Since the panic attacks, I've hated life.
|Posted by Ashish at January 31, 2012|
I think our lives are so fucked up today.
Im sucessful, good looking, have a bunch of friends! And everyone thinks Im great!
BUT life has really got me down!
Im so lonely, I have no one in my life, I really cannot define between love and lust! sometimes I feel all love is only but a form of lust!
I love my parents but I dont think they love each other and are together only for their children. Which I dont want in my life.
I have never met anyone I turely love as in time of sickeness and health. (I can abandon anyone in times of distress) speaks of my character but this is true.
Lost a very good friend in 2007, and since have been so demotivated! But not work wise, since i put all of my time into work in order to avoid the lonileness. But sometimes on trips outside of Bombay I feel so lonely and really wonder why why, the powers above want this from me.
In 2007 i think i attained enlightment, i.e now i kinda understand everything and have an answer for everything. But I do not know why I am so sad? Is it genetic, life today, our shallowness blah blah.
I really hope that i meet someone I can love and be loved in return and not for the job or success I have earned on this planet. But I also feel this is not possible.
The day I die in a car crash it will not be an accident!! Sometimes on these long flights between Bomaby and brazil I feel I would be happier if the plane crashed into the ocean and I have no one to answer to!
I think age (Im 30) fucks you up...as time goes by you get sadder and sadder!
I have no immediate problems ..I have money and I know women who love me (or they say) but I really wonder why why has life got me down>
Ps -- About religion - All I know is no one knows anything and this is the only fact I know.
|Posted by Lost and Found at January 31, 2012|
Life can be either good or bad or somewhere in between and the pure dumb luck of it all shouldn't be a surprise to anybody. People are mostly slaves to their nature and environment. We do have free choice but not free will. It is truly sad, but we as individuals control very little. We essentially accomplish minimal achievements that either seem significant, or not, dependent upon whether the outcomes affect our inner world i.e. our emotions.
Happiness is largely dependent upon genetics and then it is largely based on the situations a person finds their self in. A person genetically predisposed to depression, given the right circumstances, can be isolated from the trauma of their nature. I have found that when distracted with money or friends or a girlfriend I am at peace and think life “does not suck.” however, when those things are removed I spin out of control into an abyss of suicidal depression. I could do things to address these desires I have, but what if I fail, and I often do given the fact I am far from spectacular in God given talent. And I do try, but the struggle is akin to treading water for a cat. My temperament and nature is such that I don’t enjoy treading water. And so I tend to give up and drown. My desires naturally go unfulfilled and the downward spiral into the abyss becomes a LIVING HELL. The tough reality is that for most of us who are extremely depressed, our desires are not in proportion to our abilities to have them fulfi...
|Posted by Smelly Girl at January 31, 2012|
I keep reading other people's stories as how they think they have it bad, but I would trade with them in an instant. My life sucks big time because I smell like shit. Imagine people covering their nose and turning away as soon as you get close to them. That's my life everyday. I have no friends because no one wants to be friends with the "smelly girl". I'm in college now and am seriously thinking of dropping out because no one talks to me. I've heard people in my dorm talking about how I smell bad and it just makes me want to kill myself. This problem started about two/three years ago when I took birth control pills my feet kept sweating. I don't take them anymore, but my feet smell terrible when I wear shoes and ever since then, my life has become a living hell, no joke. I have tried everything and nothing helps. People in high school hated me and on one wanted to me my partner or sit next to me. I also have really bad breath that people says smells like poop. I can't talk to anyone without them making an "ewww" face. People can smell it when I sit next to them because the smell comes out my nose--its that bad! I feel like I have no future because I am failing school since I am scared to go to class and I can't sit next to people without them them gagging. The boy who I had to sit next to in lab kept saying, "Oh my god, it stinks in here" every time I got close to him. So basically I'm going to fail college and I won't be able to get job because no one is going to hire s...
|Posted by Ashley at January 31, 2012|
First off, let me drop this bomb: Don't have sex. Having sex with a woman I wasn't married to, as a single guy at the time, gave me the gift of my first child. While I wouldn't take anything for the love I have for that child, it wasn't the right time in my life, and I wasn't necessarily ready to be married to her mother.
Now, why does life suck for me? Well, high schoolers, wait until a few choices in your life have essentially locked your future into a fate of endless crap. You need to make decisions that will give you a fulfilling career, not do like I did, and take the safe route. I majored in a field in college that is so unlike what I am like, that I basically passed the classes, then flunked out of the career. What a traumatic experience to have a newborn baby and then lose your job because you suck as an accountant. Follow that up with endless job changes, geographic moves, and cycles of buying and selling things that you think will fulfill you. That's been my miserable life since about 24. Now I'm 36. 12 years condemned in hell. I wake up and my body and mind are more tired than when I went to sleep, because I just lie there in a death state all night. Sleeping, without dreaming. Then I wake, and wish I wasn't. Because it's all right there again. The one thing that I thought I could do was at least try and earn a paycheck doing whatever I could be marginal at. But two recessions, including one DEPRESSION in the past 12 years have assured...
|Posted by anonymous at January 31, 2012|
Soo, both of my parents are alcoholics and divorced. My step mom is currently yelling at my dad because of his drinking, which never works. And he applied for a job in the middle of no where. So he's interviewing on Wednesday to see if he gets the job or not. I want to stay here and live with my mom but she's unemployed and has 70 days of house arrest to do. Ef my life.
|Posted by anon at January 31, 2012|
My grandfather has recently been diagnosed with alzhimers and my mother recently said she was glad to accept that he had 'died' in soul. I had never thought of it like that, so now i'm thinking about my reality. I keep wondering what the point of it all is, we lose our minds to ourselves, over thinking or otherwise. I mean the man has had 5 diffferent types of cancer, makes it through that and now he has a slow and painful death ahead of him where he will lose all his bodily functions and probably die confused like a child, after thinking hes being kept in a prison for months on end.
Also, nobody seems to understand that this is hard, and keeps shouting at me for trying to talk to them about it, when they are busy reading about the latest celebrity problem or sex problem.
Also, I have spots all over my face, an anxiety disorder and no money. having no money is a problem for me, but when it comes to my father not working or my younger sister that is okay. I think i get it from everyone about their emotional issues, they take it out on me without asking how I might be feeling.
Also, when I say this to anyone close they proceed to announce that their relative not only had cancer, but a leg missing and were blind too (okay, not quite but you get the point). My councilor is more interested in telling me other people's problems and ways to ignore my anxieties but the truth is, I CAN'T BE BOTHERED. What is the point when life picks off all the best ones either too young, or drags out a painful death for the old.
Also, there is a murder trial currently happening in which a person close to me was stabbed by another close to me. Reading the disgusting details in the news daily is not adding to my sense of well being in the world.
|Posted by K. at January 30, 2012|
I always wanted to be perfect. When I was little I could have been everything. An Actor, a musician or a comedian. I was born pretty, as something special, that everybody looked and said :" oh, how cute". I was the star on every travel. I was the prince, or even the king. I was born with a strong body and good mind. So everything I wanted I could do. I was the best in athletics. And I dreamed about beeing the best in Jumps and Speedwalk. I joined so many things for only 3 weeks, because I wanted to have everything. I have 2 older brother, so maybe thats a syndrome or something, because I was young but still made things 10 year older people had to go trough.
So I always wanted to live trough everything. Had lived everything, every feeling and be still kind and patient to all human beeings. I started to just be whatevery other people wanted me to me, as long as everybody likes me. And they did. I can almost speak with everyone. And everyone would like me.
When I was 7 and everything was great my stepfather joined the family. He was and alcoholic. He beated my mom and sometimes me. I didnt understand what was going on, because I was only 8 or 9. He was sometimes running with a knife after me and my mom and we were hiding a lot.
No I am 21, but until I was around 17, for 10 years every night I was scared that he would kill my mother. I know that sounds crazy, and he wouldnt have done it.
But in my childish brain it all made sense.
So every night i was...
|Posted by Just Me at January 30, 2012|
Im stuck taking care of my elderly mother who is a complete idiot due to Alzheimers. What I mean by idiot is she no longer can do a single thing with out being told what, where, when and how. She has to be told step by step to do any thing.I am the only person taking care of her. I have no help and no break and no life of my own.I feel like I'm going insane at times and I'm so depressed I actually wish she would die and get it over with. Its a slow horrible creepy night mare to go through seeing how nuts she has become. There is no escape and no way out.She is also diabetic so I have the fun task of trying to constantly get her to eat. If I leave her a lone for a few minutes she finds some thing crazy to do. While typing this she took bologna out of the refrigerator set several slices on plates and left them on the counter like that. She took a slice of pizza and put it on the CARPET sauce side down for the dogs to eat.She has to wear disposable underwear and she with take a dirty pair and put it in the clean clothes basket with the clean clothes folded in it.You see what I mean...brain dead. Its so trying I cry all the time. How long do I have to go through this tourcher? I feel like God is punishing me.I lost my fiancee, Most of my friends and My life is the same every day. I think I will die before she dose because the stress is making me so upset.
|Posted by Johny at January 30, 2012|
I i be turning 21 this June 18th and i done a GED and here in Europe i have to retake exams (Fuk that as there alot harder than in USA) I can study but i do not have the time or no one will help me out well i can try khanacademy.
Right now i have a broken finger so i can not work for at least a month and more.
My mom even my dad have little money.
My mother now lives with another guy who is a ass hole and pain the ass who thinks he is a know it all kind of like my mother who is something similar a know it all and always right type. Which i hate people like this well my father is something similar but he likes video games and is pretty chill type of guy so thank god for that at least.
I moved from the States Florida four years ago now i live in the Czech Republic four years now and here it sucks ball no work very little work here and a lot of corruption.
Right now my parents are in a attitude of hes old enough he can now go out live. Hell yeah i want to go out to the world and take care of myself have my own place my own finance i want that but right now i have a broken finger and have no money no where to go no friends here in the CZ well one or two who do not care so much so to be honest i have here zero true friends i do have one or two friends in the States (USA) but i do not have the money to go back to the States for a long time now like after the summer when i earn the money and go for it.
But until than i have to be...