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I think it's too late for me - men and depression have ruined my life

Posted by anonymous at June 2, 2012
Tags: Attitude  Failure  2012 June  Relationship

So many of these stories are written by people whose lives suck, but they are usually younger and still have time to turn things around - which I don't I don't think.

I'm 53, no SO, no children, no job, no career. I have several psych diagnoses and the depression I deal with overwhelms me (I guess I'm bipolar 1 depressive). I have been stalked for months now and was forced out of my nice home due to the stalkers being new next door neighbors, and in a panic I bought a mobile home in a park. The realtor lied to me about the average age here (which is 70) and about activities which don't take place. My friends (the few I had or more like two and one was constantly putting me down) just deserted me due to the stalking. They didn't believe me and my one "friend" of 37 years sided with the stalker, even though he tried to kill my dogs four times. Well, he or they have followed me here now.

My mother is over 90 and fell so I have to go out of state to take care of her so I worry about the stalking (as they vandalized my last house when it was vacant) and what they might do to this place. My dog has Valley Fever and is moving in the wrong direction. The stress from the trip could make it even worse, yet I feel I have no choice but to drive there (oh, and I have a driving phobia so swell).

I was involved with a lying, cheating, deceptive narcissist on and off for six years who just accused me of being delusional about the stalking and wrote me off. He was abusive to me and discovering who he was just shattered me. The ONLY support I have is my therapist and I have to pay her just to talk to someone. I call a version of a crisis line when things get bad as there is no one else. I'm estranged for the most part from my family of origin and honestly think the ONLY two people who would care if I killed myself would be my mother and therapist. Well, my mother might not have long and my therapist told me yesterday the only thing I have to be optimistic about is my decorating skill (in other words, she likes the way I've decorated my trailer park home).

Oh, and I was ruined in 2002 by another sociopath and have never recovered from that. My resume sucks. I'm on disability due to my many mental health issues and I just see no hope for the future. My former friends have betrayed me and stolen from me. I trust no one at this point and do not believe in a personal God. Well, I think time is running out for me and I just may end up a suicide. That's about it.


New Comment

By Cursed at 04,Jun,12 13:37

Dear friend-
Move your mom in with you- that way you can take care of her and not have to worry about driving? You could probably set up your trailer so that it works- it is one level, so no stairs! Once you have your mom with you- you won't be lonely anymore! Stay away from people. They will just disappoint you. Get a pet instead. Most of all- consider yourself lucky... You have a roof over your head and you have your very own "space". Don't get involved with men (I'm assuming you're a woman?)and cherish being by yourself. You have nobody to answer to, nobody to beat you, abuse you, and you can be your own best friend- you're better off being alone, trust me...
Keep busy, take up hobbies- there must be something you're interested in???
Most of all- stay away from dudes that want something from you-
Give me the "stalker's" names, addresses, telephone numbers, and social security numbers, and I will personally inflict misery upon their souls...
By anonymous at 05,Jun,12 17:24

Wow good thing you are on this site because I think everyone else is a troll.
By anonymous at 02,Jan,13 18:25

By IceWriter at 06,Jun,12 11:53 Fold Up

I agree with Cursed. You need to put alot of distance between yourself and the environment you're in right now. Spend as much time as possible with your dear mother, our mothers can be our very best friends and confidantes when you're alone with no one else in your life. So because she hasn't long, make it last. Take everything and your trailer over to your mom's place. If you see your stalkers when you're out of state, then you'll have every reason to take action. Best of luck to you and may your dear mother be blessed.

By anonymous at 05,Jun,12 01:31

I think your situation is hopeless, and trust me, at your age it won't get better. You're just going to be another useless old burden to society as you age more. No one likes old people either. You probably have no children because you're infertile, no wait, that's not true,too convienent, it's probably cause you can't get anybody who wants to fuck you, other than sociopaths who take advantage of you. It must be hard, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends getting married and living amazing lives, while you just feel sorry for yourself as your face get's invested with wrinked and your uterus slowly shrivels away.

Don't worry, there is a painless suicide method, despite what the anti-suicide left wing faggots say. A heroin/morphine overdose, you will die a painless euphoric death in heaven-like bliss, as the heroin causes your respitory system to stop and your miserable life slowly whisks away, into everlasting oblivion.

Just do it, these guys are just trying to make you feel better, but the reality is it won't get better. No man wants to be with an ugly depressed 53 year old, and by now menopause has probably struck its rath upon you, so no more kids to love and nurture like normal women do. The only two things in a womens life that are important : Pleasing a man, and raising children , you cannot do. Kill yourself you stupid slut, just do it.
By anonymous at 05,Jun,12 01:48

By broken at 05,Jun,12 08:20 Fold Up

Your comment was like beautiful poetry
By anonymous at 05,Jun,12 13:27 Fold Up

For my current conclusion on best suicide method skip to the end paragraph.

I'm not convinced that heroin overdose is a good way to go: For starters you have to have the balls to inject it. But also you can only get hold of it if you are willing to deal with people and have the right connections. This is VERY difficult for a social recluse who doesn't really know how to deal with people. Even then you might get some nasty impurities and just end up with brain damage I guess? You could extract your own from californian poppies; apparently it's two chemical steps from opium (poppy seed head sap) to morphine. I guess morphine would do it? I've heard you can feel sick from heroin and morphine etc so I don't know what kind of end it would be... Perhaps it might just be uncomfortable? I personally don't think it's the best method for 'cowards'.

I think for 'cowards' one of the most sure ways to go would be to have someone else shoot them in the head. Obviously this involves contact with other humans but that could be kept to a minimum by arranging it over the internet. Finding someone else who is willing is difficult. Most people on the internet who say they'd do it also say they can't be arsed because it's not worth it for them which is fair enough I guess.

At the moment I believe asploding yourself is the way forwards. It's instant, probably painless and doesn't involve meeting people. You could even hook up a cheap mobile phone to the detonator and have someone on the internet 'pull the trigger' by sending you a text. The anarchist cookbook claims to provide information about making explosives and is free to download. You might have to look elsewhere when trying to make a blasting cap and remote detonator. Youtube probably has tutorials on these bits
By anonymous at 05,Jun,12 18:53

Anyone that is willing to end their own life, no matter what suicide method they use, no matter why they decided to kill themselves, IS NOT a coward. You think it doesn't take balls to pull the trigger, or inject the heroin?
By anonymous at 05,Jun,12 19:32

Read it again... You misunderstood what I said.

I am just sharing my thoughts on the easiest method of suicide for 'cowards', like myself I might add, if that makes it any better? I'm a coward, I wouldn't be able to inject heroin to kill myself. I could however put myself at the mercy of someone with a gun or blow myself up...

Sounds like you're trying to pick bones with the wrong guy. I don't believe everybody who kills themself is a coward at all!

I don't think the OP is necessarily a coward but I felt like my suggestions and opinions would help people who struggle to build up the courage to overdose or slit their wrists etc. It might seem a bad thing to say but some lives aren't worth living... I know because my life is one of them
By maria at 06,Jun,12 00:47

Are you homeless? Are you starving to death? Are you broke as fuck? Are you dying of some incurable disease? Are you alone?

I'm sure your life is not as bad as you think. Re-evaluate and get your head on track. Take control.
By anonymous at 06,Jun,12 05:02

Admittedly I don't have a bad life. I'm earning £200 a day with a job that gets me fit. I still live with my parents they do all the food shopping and wash my clothes etc. I'm a spoilt piece of shit that doesn't deserve the cleanliness of the clothes he wears. Everything about my life is good except for me. I wallow in self pity all day every day. I'm worse than shit.

That's just the truth and people like you aren't willing to deal with that. You're not capable of realizing that you can't change people. You get stuck in relationships where it feels like you're throwing love into a blackhole. This isn't a criticism, it's just the truth. It's unfortunate that people like me exist but I am doing something about it s. Unlike you who would rather flog a dead horse with your words urging it to 'take control!'. I am dead. I decided I didn't want to live when I was a child. Nothing has changed and nothing will change. Effectively I am just an insignificant demon to you and that blackhole you were throwing love at or will do in the future; he (or she) is Satan to you.

It's been scientifically proven that narcissists only 'live' in certain areas of the brain. They are restricted from the other parts of the brain because they've never learnt to use them... Only brain surgery can cure what I have in my opinion. Brain surgery or suicide. Brain surgery isn't going to happen any time soon so I have to work towards suicide. I apologise for my existence as sincerely as I can. I hope you didn't read all that but if you did, you are one dedicated human being. Now let me suicide in peace?
By anonymous at 06,Jun,12 06:03

Reading back it feels like non of that makes sense. My basic plea is that optional assisted suicide for the long term suicidal people is legalised. I don't know if that would be a good.thing for.everyone but I know I would already be dead if this were the case and I believe that is a positive thing. This plea comes from a selfish place. That is the basic point of that last post I guess
By anonymous at 06,Jun,12 09:24

But why have you given up? Do YOU even know?
By anonymous at 06,Jun,12 11:12

I'm not always sure sometimes I think its got something to do with my mum. It's like she didn't let me make my own decisions when I was a kid. Sometimes I think its because of something to do with my sister having epilepsy when I was a kid. But that shouldn't be the case if it is that then I'm justa massive dick to be that selfish and so should kill myself anyway so it would be pointless thinking about that. Short answer is that I'm not 100% sure. I've tried talking to a therapist but I can't take my mind where itdoesnt want to go. Deep down inside I am self obsessesed mess of shit probably
By anonymous at 06,Jun,12 11:30

Protip when reading my posts: I don't know when I trying to manipulate the reader and when I'm not. I dont lie about real events but I don't know about my own emotions and whether they exist. Also I'm not even sure if I fully believe I'm a dickhead.
By maria at 06,Jun,12 12:16

I believe you're thinking to deeply into it. And honestly you can't blame anyone for the problems you think you have now. I personally think you hate yourself when you look in the mirror...who you've become. You feel like a failure and just want an easy way out because thats all you've let yourself believe is all that will save you from this. Do you have a significant other? Friends? Do you have an outlet? Someplace you can take your frustrations out? A hobby, etc?
By anonymous at 07,Jun,12 04:20

I could go into detail answering these questions but there's no point and it would sometimes I consider myself to have hobbies. Not sure about friends and no significanu other. Sorry can't write a reply really have started work and only have phone. I don't know why I'm replying anyway no offense to you intended. There's not much point in me replying to stuff Imo.
By maria at 07,Jun,12 12:52

Well, I don't have any friends, hobbies either. I feel your pain and I know where you're coming from. I'm just trying to understand what other people are going through because a lot of these stories I'm reading I can relate to. I'm still trying to figure out what my purpose is here in this world. Not sure I have one. I wish you find peace and happiness one day. I'm trying to do the same.
By anonymous at 04,Sep,12 02:56 Fold Up

I know an ugly 53 year old woman that has a live in boyfriend who is a trucker who takes care of her. I am younger and have no boyfriend now - there is always hope and there is hope that people will age better in the next twenty years.

By anonymous at 05,Jun,12 17:40

EVERYONE needs to STFU already with the "you should kill yourself" posts. It's getting real old.
By anonymous at 06,Jun,12 18:57

well they may be old, but they are correct.

By pretty woman at 05,Jun,12 23:45

Hey...lady...someone was stalking you because your breath smelled like SHIT

By anonymous at 06,Jun,12 00:34

That's so friggin sad. I think you should go to church and find God that way, you'll find something to believe in. And someone who listens.

By anonymous at 06,Jun,12 01:04

So...., you have an income, you have a roof over your head, and you have physical health. 53 isn't that old if you live as long as your mother. What do you look like? Can you do a make over to yourself like you did your trailer and feel good about your appearance? I get the feeling your not that bad looking except for those few spider veins on your ankle by your heel. Tanning will help that. I would suggest you bring your mother to live with you and both of you start injecting morphine. She will feel like 20 years old again. Give her happiness and in return your kindness will help you feel better about yourself. Take the savings you have left from buying the trailer and stock your cabinets, (the one by the front room) with all different types of alcohol and liquires and have a party every day while your mother is there. Get a couple of those 70 year old guys over and have an orgy, be sure to include your mother, this will change your whole outlook on life and you will feel alive and want to live forever.
By anonymous at 06,Jun,12 01:45

Fuck morphine. Do pure ecstasy. They will feel young and free and want to dance every fucking day. The world will seem brighter, the colors are brighter. Everything is crystal clear.

By Malaysia man. at 06,Jun,12 12:53

Firstly i not good in english. An old man or woman without God should kill themself. This not my opinion but what are you waiting for? We belived God ( I'm muslim and other religion who belived God ) We do a preparation to meet God so our problem will gone. Now find God and its will be helpful. We live in this world will have problem but how you connect to God. Buy Bible and Quran read it and hope God show the way. As a muslim I ask you to read Quran because you know bible. Your problem because : Not belived in God and thats is fimiliar with the olders. ( Note : A muslim cannot kill himself /suicide. If he do it ,its mean he is not muslim. Human bomber is wrong and God not accept it).
By anonymous at 06,Jun,12 18:58

muhammed was a war-mongering pedophile, and I use the quaran to wipe my dogs shit.
By MalaysiaMan at 07,Jun,12 05:39

Thanks... I think you a bad person. Not belived in God. U think we care abaout what u said to Islam. U think that i want to talk same thing to your Bible? Sorry.. Islam is belong to Allah. Let u deal with God. Anyway are you a inteligent or stupid, dum or dumber ? If you Cristian, I think you not a good Cristian. Do you know in Bible you cannot drink alcohol and other thing such to talk bad to other... Anyway don't lie that u have Quran ..hahaha liar...

By Jesi the artist at 06,Jun,12 15:38

Congratulations!!! I have felt exactly the way you do, and believe me, so have many others. When I hit the bottom which I have done twice in my life, I reminded myself of some good advice I received once from someone I wanted to slap in the face at the time! They said to me "Congratulations!!! You now have nowhere to go but up! It's time to reinvent yourself and do anything that you want to do! Try a Pell Grant for college, sit around and eat chocolate for a few days before going on a diet and running around your apartment in the nude and try a new job. Join a book club or a knitting circle YES! even if you don't knit. Who freakin' cares?" It's true, ya know. Once you've considered suicide, as I have before(only that one time, since the second time I took my own advice) You can just DON'T and say you DID! An excuse to rebirth yourself into anything that you choose! Just give it a thought.

By anonymous at 07,Jun,12 00:39

Don't joke about 70 year old men, I'm 77 and I know a few who Are real stallions. They get their pick of women here at the home because there are so few men compared to us girls. One uses Viagra and is good for hours.

By Cursed at 07,Jun,12 22:41

My my, I've never seen such a stir! If anything, your post has probably the most comments I have seen in a while! You're popular- does that make you feel better?

By anonymous at 04,Aug,12 06:28

What you Should do is to Get Pention or Shift to an Old House , means where they keep Abandoned Old people ,

beleive me u will have many many age fellow friends there who has the same story of life , you will enjoy being there and sharing ur feelings and life with the same abandoned people like you .. so just go to an old house , they take care of them there is food there is a routine there are people to talk with ..

suicide is the worst thing u do , marriage money friends family nothing important , all what is important is that u are living breathing , enjoying the weather ,walking , and dont care the fuck what others think about u , just smile and say , im ok , and go to an old house for god sake there are people like u there

By anonymous at 04,Aug,12 06:30


What you Should do is to Get Pention or Shift to an Old House , means where they keep Abandoned Old people ,

beleive me u will have many many age fellow friends there who has the same story of life , you will enjoy being there and sharing ur feelings and life with the same abandoned people like you .. so just go to an old house , they take care of them there is food there is a routine there are people to talk with ..

suicide is the worst thing u do , marriage money friends family nothing important , all what is important is that u are living breathing , enjoying the weather ,walking , and dont care the fuck what others think about u , just smile and say , im ok , and go to an old house for god sake there are people like u there. If you dont know any then ask Shopkeepers , ask people about any old house where u can go and start a new life with ur age fellows .. move ur city if u dotn find one in ur own city

By anonymous at 04,Aug,12 06:34

Take your mom with you in that Old House as well .
you need AGE FELLOWS to Interact with , You are ALONE
You need Age fellow FRIENDS , and you need someone who can give you FOOD on time ..

Its better to have strength and Proudly search an old house and Shift there instead of Getting inside a grave or Crying to death

even ur mom will have friends in the old house then .
food , friends , a place to live , people to talk with , thats enough ,


there are people like u and ur mom over there who are living together , helping eachother at hard times of their life .. so you have to go there in those lonely peoples lives and u all shud be friends with eachother ok .

By anonymous at 01,Sep,12 19:44

and my final comment to all of you evil degenerates who harassed me is FUCK YOU ASSHOLES.

By at 18,Sep,12 15:10

I can't believe how many rotten folks have answered you.How can you be expected to think straight when you have mental troubles.They make me sick. Look after yerself and love your dogs and ignore these folk on life sucks forum.Apal I used to have has just got married and she is 56 so there is hope for un both!xxx

By anonymous at 24,Jan,14 20:24

Thankx for the ideas on suicide, I just might consider them myself!

By Jeana at 25,May,16 00:15

That insight solves the preblom. Thanks!

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