Ive always had low self esteem i don't have any friends well I call my co workers friends but it's not like we will ever hang outside of work. I don't think I'm attractive even though everyone says in very good looking I don't believe them. I have also been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years I love him so much but I resent him at the same time.when we first started dating I found out on my own he was HIV positive. I decided to stay with him because I really cared for him. We have an open relationship and it's because I found out he cheated on me multiple times and I didn't want to lose him so I stayed with him. I know it's pathetic but I honestly don't deserve better. I hate this open relationship thing it's besically him screwing all these other guys and me having no choice but to deal with it. I just found out I'm HIV positive I know it's my fault, I tried being careful but I think me becoming positive would have happened to me eventually because let's face it my life sucks. Now I cry every night because Im going to die (I have a fear of taking pills, Im scared I'm going choke on them) for me taking pills everyday for my life doesn't really seem like an option. I know my boyfriend doesn't love me and wants me to move out. I feel so ugly I have to be why else wouldn't he not like me? When ever i have a day off i feel so unwanted i hate my days off I can't go out since I have no friends to call. I feel so stupid for staying when I found out he was HIV its not like me to have had stayed. I gave him my love he gave me HIV I don't feel like living anymore. I honestly want to die I really want to kill myself. Im to much of a coward to kill myself and to much of a coward to live. I guess I just have to wait for this to kill me. I have nobody to talk to its really killing me not being able to vent. After all this I know my bf isn't a horrible person, I know he didn't want to infect me. He really is a great guy and a friend. I just wish he was like that with me.