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Life is a hell

Posted by Lsd at October 31, 2010
Tags: Family  Mistakes  2010 October

I know life is like a roller coaster ride. Sometimes U are on the top and sometimes at the bottom. So i knew though things are not working out for me today, tomorrow will be mine.. But this today seems to be endless for me.. Things are going from bad to worse. I am a 28 yrs old guy from india. Life was going quite smoothly untill i was 23. But over the past few yrs ,it has become like a hell. In school, i was good at studies. but my first love was painting , had won many prizes for painting in school. But being from a middle class indian family , parents had diffremt expectations from me. The worst decision of my life was when i opted for medical school. I became a doctor somehow , though i was knowing i am never going to be a great doctor coz it was never my passion. It takes 5 n half yrs to be a doctor in india , i took 6. Later was in a dilemma whether to do a job or clear an entrance for post graduation. Couldnt clear the exams so without any choice had to do the job. So i did job in rural hospital away from home , living in a village. Worked there for 2 yrs. But as it was never my passion, got fed up with constant pressure and couldnt cope with increasing demands from seniors and fell prey to local politics.. I was totally fu*d up in ma head regarding my future.
As far as my family is concerned we are 5 ppl. Parents , sis n grandmothr who is 95 yrs old. Meanwhile my dad had retired from his job while i was going through turmoil in my career. My parents always had problems in their relationship.though they stay together in the same house , they are not on talking terms since last 1 n half yrs . In between somehow i managed to clear the entrance exam for postgraduation but had got admission in a private medical college, opted for a non clinical branch as i had already lost interest in clinical subjects. Whatever money i had saved while i was workin wasnt enough for the college fees, hence i had to ask dad if he could help. Me being the only son, and almost on the verge of depression , he was ready to give the money he had got from his provident funds after his retirement as my college fees.. My elder sis , she is married , but again she too is havin problems in her marriage , so she stays with us only with her 4 yr old kid. She is jobless n a victim of domestic violence. My mom is a teacher , so now she is the only source of income in the house though dad gets his pention. Two monts ago , my 95 yrs grandmothr fell in the bathroom and fractured he hip bone, she was later operated for that and now she is bed ridden. Dad has kept a nurse for her, but all his pention is being used up in medicines for my grandma n paying the nurse. Now, i find him in a helpless situation. At the age of 65 he is thinking of finding a job again and this thing makes me mad as i also cant do much to come out of this crisis as my college doesnt let you to do a job when you r studyin there. Sometimes i think myself to be a culprit for all this disaster , and feel like running away from all this shit. I dont have any girlfriend or even friends. Wtever fiends i had , cheated me and noone was there in the lean phase of my life when i needed them the most. So there is noone to talk to. Dont even feel like making a gf to invite more troubles. When i see around , mostly al of my friends are now married and well settled in their life. I always curse god for makin me go through this hell. I feel like committing suicide at time but then i feel what would my dad go through after me as i am the only hope for him right now. Still 1 and half yrs are left for my college to finish, then only i can find some better job and repay him but till then im of no use to him . I feel like being a liability to my parents and nothing else. After coming back home from college my head spins as everyone is ready with thr new problem every new day so dont feel like coming home at all.. Things for me are like i am just a dead body living a dead life.. There is no life so far, cant even concentrate on my studies i am fedup of all this , and i just want some peace of mind....


Similar Entries:
untitled story March 31, 2012
my wife January 24, 2010
untitled story August 11, 2011
this too shall pass June 8, 2012
Just wanted to say life really sucks! February 21, 2010

New Comment

By anonymous at 08,Nov,10 18:47

That does suck but if you're really a good artist, why don't you create and sell paintings for extra money?

By anonymous at 08,Nov,10 23:00

AS far as your passion just go to college and do what you what you want to do..

By at 15,Apr,11 18:56

I'm out of laeuge here. Too much brain power on display!

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