I am 17 years old, turning 18 in 10 days. I live in Canada and I hate my existence to the core. Life was fine and dandy up until half a year ago. I literally stopped being able to experience things normally, to create new memories. I do not entirely know why, but I'm guessing it's because I took up smoking weed between then and now. It probably did something to my brain. I can't listen to music, can't watch movies, can't talk to people or even walk down the road without over thinking and over analyzing it. This applies to everything in my life, not just the above. It's like there is a thick fog preventing any new, useful insights or exciting pleasures from entering my brain. On top of this, my relationships with the people in my life sucks. I cannot relate my problem to anyone. Nobody sees anything but the negative in me. My mom is on the brink of kicking me out because I suck so bad at school (I should be graduated by now), and I am fully aware of the fact that my girlfriend of two years is going to break up with me in the future because of my horrible state. I am a good looking young lad, a lot of people tell me this, yet I am very socially awkward and have absolutely no confidence whatsoever. All I see in life is perpetual bleakness. My emotions have been flat sided, and though I am extremely sad I haven't cried in years. Instead of feeling pity for people I suffer myself at the idea that suffering actually exists. I wish I could find inner peace. but just can't. I've tried everything. Getting my shit together, quitting marijuana, meditating, everything. Consciousness and existence and how people interact seems like an absurd and nonsensical concept to me. I find myself despaired by everything daily, like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I want to die. | |
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