Dear Internet,
You can call me James. No, James is too romantic a name. How can I come up with a name that has no cultural attachments to it? Argg!
Call me... Spartacus.
Ok. Ok. My real name's Blake.
I'm a lonely man. I'll try to paint a somewhat accurate and hopefully non-masturbatory image for you of what I look like, my background, and how others perceive me.
I'm a young white male; 23. I'm 6'1, athletic, light brown hair, green eyes, hairy, a jutting chin like Gaston and the brooding brow of David Boreanaz.
I come from a decently wealthy family. Growing up my parents were divorced, and so I experienced some mild trauma, but nothing too bad. I got basically whatever I wanted, though I was instilled with a good work ethic from my father and had to pay for the big things (such as car, apartment). Coming from a well-to-do family, my whole college education was paid for. I received my B.A. in English last year.
Failing to get into grad school, and at the shallow end of a dying relationship with a girl, I chose to travel abroad to Korea and teach little kids English.
I've been here three months. The pay is nice, I have friendly co-workers, and my own apartment.
I work out 5-6 days a week. I'm very critical of my body, but also have become somewhat vain about it. I'm working on my "next book" and am on page 7. I also write poetry on occasion (mostly emotional jargon about my ex).
Ok, Ok. I know, this is starting to sound like a personals ad.
So I'm lonely. I've been lonely my whole life, I think. I've always tangled with this consuming, sucking vacuum of loneliness spritzed with self-loathing and pity that makes its home in my chest.
Honestly, I'm a pretty happy guy. People would say I seem happy. I'm usually quite upbeat. I have a blast teaching the little kids Engrish, and physically I feel great. I'm friendly and have a sense of humor and am decently intelligent and clever.
But the truth is, I'm fucking lonely. I really crave women. Women are beautiful and their curves and hardnesses are perfect and godly-glowing. Being somewhat of a narcissist (evolved out of poor self-image and the need to have others validate my outward and inward beauty) I yearn for a beautiful, skinny, athletic, intelligent woman that can be my partner.
Not even that, though. I yearn for companionship so badly. The problem is, I can't seem to get any. A week ago I hooked up with a girl named Choi that I met at a night club. We kissed, oohed and ahhed over each-others bodies while drunk, and parted ways. She hasn't texted me since then.
I've also tried connecting with women over a dating website OKCupid. All the women I meet are either self-serving or uninterested.
I feel like a steppenwolf sometimes (great novel, by the way). I feel like a loner. Sometimes I think I was just made to be alone. Not because I want it, but because I'm an inherently lonely person.
I don't know why women won't commit time to me, when I'm so willing. I thought I was a decent guy. My last girlfriend said I have hawk-like eyes (you know, the piercing stare). That's what I consider the highest compliment I ever received. But I think that's the problem. I'm intense. I love really hard. I'm really passionate, and I have problems censoring my emotions--the good and the bad.
So what should I do? Should I just shut the fuck up and be happy I'm fortunate?
I feel ugly and I hurt.
Love,
Blake
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Apart from that, you sound great. But i agree with you, I also believe some people are just inherently lonely, their personalities make them somewhat of a loner, i believe it may be down to pure genetics.
you live in korea. i lived in korea. we are both well aware that korean girls are in abundance, love white men and 99% of the time have incredible bodies. maybe, just maybe, you should look deeper than the physical appearance to find true love. try meeting someone when you aren't drunk at a club.
you might have a college degree, but you truly have no common sense.
I've mostly become a recluse spending my time awake reading before I nap myself out of existence again. I occasionally find a girl via online dating, but I don't enjoy sex, having an orgasm is nice but it's wat to much effort to justify, any video game is far more interesting.
I'm pretty sure money would make me happier. (just being rich I mean not the kind of money I could earn). As for that girl though, consumate consumate consumate, especially if you met drunk at a bar. Cuddling is for the afternoon.
I know this is no help but i was bored, so i thought i might relate.
Also how intense is the TEFL course, is it something worth doing ?
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