I am tired of sitting home alone EVERY SINGLE fucking day. I just want something to do. All I ever do is watch movies or read or sit at the computer. And lately reading has lost its thrill for me. If I do it in my spare time I like it, but all I have is spare time. I have no friends. I don't have anything in common with anyone in my family. I am so bored. I hate sleeping all day every day. And sure someone is going to say, 'GO OUT AND MEET PEOPLE". That is a crock of shit. I can't just go to Meijers or Walmart and ask someone to be my friend. Sure there are a few groups around my house, but I don't have any money to go a restraurant and eat with people. (whish is what they do) Plus I have no motivation to do anything because it has been so long since I did anything. I think that I am afrid to leave the house also. Everywhere that I might be able to meet someone makes me nervous and then sad then mad and then I feel like crying. I would also like to have a girlfriend. But I can't get one until 'I can be happy with myself first', which is a fucking stupid circle because I hate my life so therefore no girl. And then the people who say you don't need a boyfriend or girlfriend. You are right ,I should just fight human nature to what to be close to someone that I consider special. That is a crock of shit also. And I am sure someone will say ' you don't have it as bad as ______', FUCK you. With that comparison, no one in the world should ever be sad or miserable because there is always someone who has it worse. I don't fucking care if someone else has it worse than me. (i do feel bad for other people, i am not cold hearted) I hate my life and I did not ask to be born. Just a product of all the other parents in the world who wanted to make 'a miracle' or have someone to love them or just could not use protection. I think about death all the time. I just wish that I was not a chicken about it and would go through with it. About nine family members would attend the funeral and that would be it. Maybe a guy from work. Oh, wait I can't do that because it might hurt someone in my family if I wasn't here. Like I fucking care. I should have to be miserable so that they can know someone that they only talk to because we are a blood relation. If not for being blood, I would never talk to any of them, because I don't have anything in common with them or I just flat out don't like them!!!!! | |
enhance any qualities that you may have. Fix this problem.
Life can really suck, and you're obviously stuck and in a bad way, but the critical thing right now for you to do is to just take a step back, relax, breathe, forget everyone else, take the time to reflect on what it is you think you are, and then find something that's yours, that one thing out of all of those things that you're willing to stand up for and channel all your energy into.
You're gonna die one way or another, so fuck it man, just find something you're willing to live for and go for it with all the energy you can gather. If you fail, that's ok. Don't fear failure, don't fear looking stupid. What does it matter anyway if you're at the point that you don't even want to live? What on earth do you have to lose? Anyone that ever achieved any kind of real and meaningful fulfillment in their life had to conquer countless failures, doubts, the feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness, and countless other demons.
Put away the TV, the computer, UNPLUG. Go for a walk, don't worry about what other people are doing or what they think, just be with yourself and relax in a nice calm place. You're miserable anyway, it can't hurt. Try tuning out all the distractions and static of life as much as you possibly can for a week, no matter how much you want to turn on the TV or go on the internet, or any other distractions which take you away from being with yourself (not BY yourself, there's a big difference). If you feel no difference at all after honestly and fully trying that, then call it how you see it.
Good luck : )
BTW, if you want to read a book in between the silence, may I suggest:
http://www.amazon.com/Total-Freedom-Essential-Krishnamurti-Jiddu/dp/0060648805/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1269128894&sr=1-4
Peace
It's not about guaranteeing anything to anyone. Remember, it is you and only you that you are dealing with. No one else is there to help you when it really counts, in those moments when you must decide whether to commit to your life and your path with clear intent and true will, or not. We all have our guides and our sources of wisdom that help us through our dark times, but they are all empty shells if we don't follow through with action.
Compassion is a sign of an open and truthful heart, if you are the person you describe then you have a very good chance of finding your way if you allow yourself to do so. Like I said, try your best to do what I suggested. Even better, I'll give you another movie reference, this time from Star Wars and Yoda's wise words:
"Do or do not. There is no try."
May the Force be with you. : )
do it ,know it and become it...
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