what up everyone. My name's Rich, I'm 25, and I've destroyed my life, and the life of my fiance and son. I grew up a screw up. My alcoholic father divorced my mother and moved to Arizona when I was 3. Ever since, it's been a race with myself to see how deep I can dig holes. I first experienced addiction when I was 9. Cigarettes. but that was just the start of it. By the age of 13 I was an alcoholic, smoker, addicted to smoking weed and robbing summer homes in the neighborhood. I use to think it was cool to get arrested, and before 18 I had been arrested 15 times. I was rebellious, and angry. And I didn't know why. I met my fiance when I was 16. And she was a good person who helped to straighten my ass out. I got off all drugs and was just drinking until 2008 when I was arrested for the first time as an adult, I was 1 month shy of turning 21. I robbed a gas station in a desperate stretch for christmas money. And it's like ever since that day shit just went wrong. And I stopped giving a shit about everything. Even my health. I graduated high school with a 3.2 GPA and at age 25 I've forgotten most everything I learned. I always wanted to be in that cool crowd parties and drugs. The week after I got arrested, I started taking some of my mother's prescription pills. I had no idea what it would do to me. I did a small amount of time in jail for the robbery, and got released back home. And at this point I hated myself. I felt like I really fucked me this time. So, like a true addict/criminal/low-life I gave up and decided to go for the gusto with the pain killers. 3 months later I had a daily, hourly habit. I turned into an asshole, my heart turned ice and I treated everyone, and my fiance, like dirt to be walked on. I mean war stories are war stories, but I was deep in this shit. I was a raging alcoholic with an outlandish opiate addiction. On top of that, I was unable to keep a job so I started to just go back to my childhood schemes. Robbing, stealing, fighting, whatever. I literally did not care. I would fight the biggest dude hoping he would beat the ever living fuck out of me. I accomplished in that a few times. But I started then with my addiction. Man. I had a son in 2009, and by 2010 was steadily neglecting him and his mother. I began getting arrested again. And more and more as time went. My son watched me get arrested at least 5 times that I can think of. and I would disappear to Jail for months. Leaving his mother to be there with him by herself. I managed to suck her into my addictions as well. Yada Yada, the shit I did in the ensuing years was intense and obscene, wrong and careless. By the day I was arrested this last time I was drinking 20 beers and taking upwards of 500mg of percocet daily. I was you're average junkie. I stopped caring about my health and started losing teeth, just really fucked myself. I was arrested in June and by October I had managed to graduate a rehab program. And they decided they would release me on house arrest. I stayed sober a month, and began steadily relapsing (only on certain days to avoid drug test detection weekly) I was released on the 27th of October and promised the world to my family, my fiance, my son. I wanted to be sober. I still do. On Jan 4th I was arrested at my parole office for providing a urine sample positive for Methadone. I was only back in jail for 10 days and released back home, with my sister, who then asked me that I move out because I wasn't staying sober. So my PO placed me in a transitional housing program. I can't stay clean. I try so hard but the temptation always catches me. I stopped going to NA and AA, And I am quickly returning to depression. I am on parole until March 6th, locked down to my home (home confinement) and i will then start probation. I recently lied on my income taxes (because I am addicted to money, too?) and they pulled my return and are "reviewing" it. Which is bad because if criminal charges come, then my deferred sentence will be imposed, plus whatever they're looking to give me. my sentence right now is 7.5 to 15 years in state prison. and 1 year in state prison. I lost my license and have been arrested for driving after susp. 8 times in 3 different states. No job, no car, no license, no home, i see my kid and fiance maybe 2 days a month, and I'm really struggling with this recovery shit. I just want a normal life, with a normal family, with a normal job. Not to mention my mother still suffers from her addiction to her pain killers that her doctor gives prescriptions to her like 500 pills a month. She is crazy, and bipolar, depressed, whatever the hell else is going on and constantly tries to interfere (negatively) in my life. I just don't know anymore. I want to quit. I have been convicted of 2 felonies and 19 misdemeanors in 4 years. I am facing being in the system for life, and I cant even enjoy myself cause i got a god damned GPS bracelet on my left ankle. I've attempted suicide twice, and if not found would have succeeded the first time. Those suicidal thoughts and plans are surfacing daily again, and I need help before I end up doing the unthinkable. Fuck. My. Life.
Matter! Wish you the best!!!!
I put my Higher Power first, Recovery 2nd (can't have one without the other really), other people first and myself last. (more like attempt to put other people first... sometimes it's a challenge).
Getting out of self and learning to honestly care about others was a huge blessing.
Learning to forgive myself was also a huge blessing...
I wish you well.