LIFE SUCKS

untitled story

suffer from depression, been through a lot, had multiple suicide attempts. my stomach was pumped, given charcoal, i even got liver failure.

i ended up w/ an abusive boyfriend who brought self esteem so low, he'd beat me and say i was ugly. he'd use up all of my money. i couldnt leave because i had nobody. my brother was shot and killed too and my abusive boyfriend didnt care or sympathize. he just took more of my money and kept abusing me.

i managed to finish college and get my Bachelors of Arts. i kept pushing on believing things would be better. i stopped seeing that boyfriend and stopped taking antidepressants, stopped seeing therapist. I havent had a suicide attempt in a few years now. i feel it was the meds making me want to die even more. i think about dying now, but never put plan into action like i used to when i was on meds. i try hard to just deal with life, good and bad. i try soooo damn hard to make things work for myself.

its hard because i rely on my father financially, and getting help for depression has cost so much, college costs a lot too. my father treats me like crap, like a bum. im looking for work very hard, but i dont have enough experience. i owe a lot of money too and my father sometimes doesnt even send money and i starve. I cried to him before, "daddy i am so hungry" and he did not care. he isolated me from family and kept me reliant on him...my friends have used me and now i have none. I am afraid to trust anyone or have friends, cannot get close to anyone because they will use me. i spend a lot of time alone.

i am constantly looking for work though, sending resume out..not getting hired and not getting many interviews. i am poor, but not poor enough...i have roof over my head at least. its just, all of these things just make me so sad and i cry often. i just feel like i deserve better. I dont feel strong. my father doesn allow me in his home by the way...he wouldnt let me visit home much at all in college. he says i am not allowed there and he has some of my things there. it hurts so much, i just dont knw what i've done wrong for things to be so difficult for me.

im going to keep trying to find a job though. i feel so lonely, like all of the time. still i am lucky