I have been on this site before and now find myself back here feeling alone and I dont think things will change.I keep having breakdowns.I had a violent upbringin and was molested by my school teacher when i was 9.I am now 51 had a few relation ships but I drank and was violent.My depression is just about managable at this moment.
I am thinking of suicide I am thinking of hanging not climb a chair kind but sit with a rope around my neck untill I pass out and let nature take its course.
I have made such a mess of my life things cant get any worse.My son who I love so much attacked me for the third time.Didnt hurt me this time but i cant blame him i havent been a good dad really.I havent worked to give him a good life work here though is hard to get its who you know today.I am alone most days and nights.I am not good at making friends and when i do i mess it up or dont bother after a while.
I have started to eat chocolate every night I think its comfort eating as I havent much going on.I bought an xbox which is passing the time at this moment but soon that will ware off.
I am also worried about the benefits I get at this moment I am sick and get extra but this tory led government is cutting benefits and giving the minimum I know I will not cope as I have a messed up hip my gullet is dead so I can only drink fluids and I suffer from depression and its getting worse as time goes by.
I have tried meditating which is working but it will not give me what I need and that is confidence.
My mother is dieing of cancer we are not close as the violence was to severe to make up and when I told her I was being molested she did nothing about it.
I have read that suicide has gone up in britain where I live so I will just be another statistic.I hope there is a kind of life after I go.I have been reading about near death expiriaces and its sounds so wonderful.If you dont read about me on here after this I will be on the other side.(I HOPE).I am scared but its gotta be better than this.its monday 27 feb 2012 8.24 and I am sick of being lonely.LIFE SUCKS. |