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It is difficult. More than most people care to realize or empathize with. I, too, have no friends. I have tried but nothing ever solidifies. I feel like a child in a world of adults trying to find someone who will reach out, understand my awkwardness and hang in there with me; giving me a chance to get comfortable and show who I really am.
I don't trust men enough to get close to them (been taken advantage of by too many opportunists eager to pretend friendship just long enough to get what they wanted). But I still long to have someone prove to me that there are good guys out there.
A relative of mine died last week. He had a wife, four children and friends. Still, he struggled with depression and not feeling good enough for anyone. One of his final comments on his Facebook page was "Sometimes I just wish I could disappear..".
A few hours later he went for a walk to clear his mind (as he liked doing) and a truck slammed into him and fled the scene. Hit-and-run. The truck was found abandoned the next day.
His last words are not only haunting but I struggle with feelings of envy (he is no longer here suffering through the emotional pains that made his life so difficult) and fear (we think of death as a solution for our problems as long as we feel we have control over whether we act on it it or not; my relative is no longer here to hold onto the option of "things could get better, tomorrow could be better" .. I don't want this option taken away from me so suddenly and unpredictably as my relative had happen to him).
I long for a day when I do find this void within me has been filled (be it with the support and love of friends, a partner or maybe something else I am completely overlooking). I feel like nobody will ever see what I see in me. But I hold out in hopes that someday someone will.
Please don't be ashamed of being you. This world is all too quick and eager to tear you down. There is no sense in doing their dirty work for them.
I wish you luck in finding what you need. It's a struggle but one in which I hope you continue to live for.
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