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Lonely

Posted by Em at January 4, 2012
Tags: 2012 January  Loneliness

(Sorry 'bout the English - it's not my native language)

I'm normally not a whiney person. And I'm really good at lying. But I'll do my best to tell the truth about me.

I always feel so incredibly lonely. Usally I'm good at ignoring it by consuming myself in work. But sometims, like during the late night or when I'm walking to the store I feel this stab of lonlyness right under my ribs. Sometimes I have a hard time breathing during the "stab", but it doesn't last long, just a few seconds.

I'm an 18-year-old girl. I'm not dumb. I'm actually considered to be rather smart. I only have topgrades. But, here's the thing, I'm never happy.

I'm definitely not ugly, I'm always helping others and I am funny. But, I've never had sex, never had a boyfriend or even kissed a boy. I know, i know, this makes me somewhat of a freak....

Continuing, I don't have any real friends. It seems like I'm not able to keep a friend for more than a year or so. After (and often, during) this time my "friends" always start acting jealous, spreading rumors, giving me sneers and talking shit about me behind my back. After these months, I'm always treated like a outsider. Sure, I'm called to their parties, but mostly to amuse them.

And my family is lovingless. My parents hate each other. They only married 'cause they felt like "it was time"..... They've never actually kissed each other (if you don't count on their weddingday). My brothers are also attracitive, like I am. But for some reason, unlike me, their opposite gender never seem to stop throwing themselves at them.

So that leaves me alone. I don't know what to do. Life seems so pointless. The only thing that keeps me running, is this game I play by myself, in which I play that I have to get the highest grade in order to survive.

Gosh I'm such a mentalfreak. I think I hate myself even more now, after writing all of this.


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Comments:
By anonymous at 30,Jan,12 21:35

Hey,

I just read your post and everything you are saying, even your story, is exactly like mine.
Every friend that I ever had had stabbed me in the back because their love interest would lean to me or something like that, without my advances, or I just simply find that I don't have much in common with them as I thought I did.
I'm not saying I'm superior to anyone, but I just don't have patience for the people in this world, they seem very slow and unresponsive.

I am very nice, pretty, and funny, like you, and it is funny because everyone thinks that I have a bunch of friends and my life is awesome, but my smile is only for them and on the outside, when I'm alone I'm depressed with the tediousness of life.

I just want to find a person who has similar problems, so that we can live in seclusion, because I find there is no point to persue devoloping relationships with people in this fickle world.

P.S You are not a mentalfreak, everyone else is!

Thanks for listening :)
By anonymous at 30,Jan,12 22:16

Agreed, I have the same exact problem. I feel like my life is just full of lies from the ways I always pretend my life is the most perfect thing. I don't even understand how I continually lose all of my friends. I'm currently at the stage of blaming myself of these losses. I guess what we all are looking for is someone who understands.


By anonymous at 31,Jan,12 00:56

Keep on succeeding with your grades. Trust me, you will be successful one day and when you are grown up to be independent, you will live a very happy life!


By anonymous at 31,Jan,12 03:53

i used to feel like you. good grades, jealous friends, being ignored ALL THE TIME. i was always left out and then i started to fuck myself up and tried to be like them. i tried to do what they liked. talking trash, doing stupid things etc.
then what happened was that they didn't accept me though. i was yet the ignored inferior person. i don't know it's something in you. if you even try to be just like them, and do everything they want, nothing will happen.
and you absoloutly are not a mentalfreak.i say not having sex and shit with boys is good. studies has shown those who wait until marriage have a more happy life.
and i suggest you read about great people's lives.
it helps you find out how to deal with problems the way succesful people do.


By anonymous at 31,Jan,12 04:43

i promise you there are people in this world who constantly compare themselves to others....it is because they are intimidated by you.....you sound awesome, but i think you might be hoping for and pursuing the wrong things....take for instance my sister, she is just like you....she was prom queen, everyone loved to hate her, because they had to work hard to do what came naturally to her.....there was always some B.S. drama going on which she didn't start and because of this, she never really had friends for longer than 1 school year.....so she got smart and did something quite ingenious.....she picked the fattest, ugliest girl in the whole school (i'm not trying to be mean, but we nicknamed her "thunderbiscuits").....she became friends with this girl who no one really ever noticed.....in doing this, she found one of the best, humblest, and dear friends ever....they both feed off of the attention that they get.....when they go out, people actually talk to old thunderchunkin because she's with Mary......and since mary is with this huge fat chick and this fat chick's other firends, SHE'S THE HOTTEST ONE IN THE BUNCH, so guys flock to her.....do you get it.....they benefit from each other......it might seem narrow minded and manipulative, but ask yourself....is Mary being friends with triple thundernuggets a good thing for both of them?....YES, it is.....good luck hun, hope you keep a happy heart and don't let the dark of this world put out any of your light....~C


By anonymous at 31,Jan,12 04:57

seek Jesus. He will make a way for you, he'll comfort and help you in any situation. I speak from experiance.


By anonymous at 31,Jan,12 05:18

Your not a mental freak. I'm the same as you, lots of people are. There are alot of bad apples in this world and it can be tough finding some "good" apples to hang with, but they are out there! I've lost friends, friends who I thought I could trust, they turned they're back on me, but I got to move on. Screw em is what I say. As far as not having a boyfriend, sex etc.. You should not worry about it, tons of woman wish they would have waited much longer, and some do wait, nothing wrong with that. Wait for that special someone, you won't regret it! My sister didn't get her first kiss until she was in here 20's, she had times when she was sad about it, but she kept her head up. Currently she says she is so happy she waited, as a lot of her friends are miserable in the marriages their in, or their miserable about their past relationships.

Anyways, keep your head up, count your blessings, look at things as cup half full, not half empty. If you want to talk further hit me up at kev2077300@maricopa.edu

Take Care


By Guy at 31,Jan,12 16:54

Sounds to me that's your a great person. There's never any justice if you want to get ahead in life you have to be two faced and lie every ten seconds. Keep being a good person and your true friends will come to you and as for never doing any thing with a guy that's alright I didn't kiss a girl until I was 14 and didnt have sex until I was 17 and I got screwed over because of it now people won't talk to me and I can't get a girl to even look at me. All thanks to my ex telling lie after lie about me. KEEP BEING A GOOD PERSON. and the good things will come to you.


By anonymous at 31,Jan,12 19:48

Hello There Em. I logged onto this site because I have troubles in my business life..far too long and complicated a story but suffice to say, I have been living on a razor's edge for at least a year now. Your story touched me as I have a 19yo daughter who finds that she doesn't have many friends and yearns for them. She is a gorgeous young woman with so much to offer this world as you also seem to be, but she doesn't find a lot in common with people of her age who are only interested in the superficialities of life. What I want to say is that hard times befall us all and what seems like an insurmountable problem at the time, in retrospect, turns out to be a journey that has led us somewhere wonderful in our lives and brings you positive changes and experiences to assist you later in life. Your teen years are a time when you are trying to find yourself and questioning everything around you. It's very normal to feel unsettled, crazy and just too different to be loved by anyone. The most important thing I tell my daughter is to be an individual in this life and never compromise your principals for that. I'm not pretending that the fight to retain your individuality is not hard at times. People like everyone to conform to what they are, how they dress, act, etc but that's only because it reassures them that they are okay (i.e, if everyone is like me, then I must be okay). You will find that keeping strong in your own beliefs and individuality is the greatest gift you can possess. Listen to the people around you when they tell you things but always watch for their demonstrations, that is the what true discernment is.,, if the actions don;t meet the words, you know the truth. Trust your intuition and know that for each day, we are only given what we need and the strength is provided to us day by day and sometimes, hour by hour and minute by minute. You will see in life that there are ups and downs and everyone has them.. that is the journey of this life. Don't be too hard on your parents. They have the same fears and worries as you. Hold on and better times will come. without the dark, there is no light and the darkest hour is always just before the dawn. Keep going with your studies and do well, but don't let that define you alone, this is not the only thing that makes you worthwhile. You are a precious gift to this planet and you are the kind of person this planet so desperately needs right now. Kindness, compassion and love is out there. Just be discerning and you will find that love and friendship blossom in the most unusual places. Keep strong. You're doing okay. Nobody else can be you. XX


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