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I have the WORST Life of them all!!

Posted by at February 19, 2012
Tags: Failure  2012 February  Life Story

I am a 38 year old Male that is completely Destitute. I have little or nothing! I am currently sitting home in my Apartment , Playing "Call of Duty", it's all i do everyday, all day. I am living on a $200 a month food stamp Budget, free housing and I receive $134.00 a Month in Cash for essencials. I live 6 miles from the city and with my limited income it makes driving, with the gas prices as they are, very limited. I am currently awaiting a disability judgement which should be anyday now. Which of course I doubt I will win.
I have been in trouble all my life. Since i was a small child i was always getting in fights in school and getting suspended. I had very few close friends in my life and at the moment i have NONE! Not a one! I was referred early in life to see Phycologists , which I was given medication that did help for a short time. Back then I believe I was labeled emotional desturbed., which would now be ADHD.
My first arrest came at the age of 15, I had gotten involved in Alcohol and Marijuana at a young age also, I believe because of my inability to make friends and socialize well with others. 23 years have passed and In October I was arrested again for the 42nd time. Most of my arrests are fairly minor. Fighting, Harassments, Petty Larcenies and so on. I also want to add with my trouble socializing with others, it made and makes keeping a job rather difficult. I am always happy at first to get a job , but as time goes on peoples idiosyncrasies get to me, I begin to hate people and my job, I usually expect to be promoted and feel the level of work I am doing is beneath me. Then I start getting into altercations with fellow workers and supervisors and end up up unemployed. I was a False Self Inflated Ego.
I started selling Marijuana at the age of 20 or so, Since I smoked it I figured I would give it a shot. I ended up quiting smoking it and turning into a full time dealer. Made alot of money and spent it freely, clothes , cars, Vacations and the like. I also went to a 12 step program to help with my addictions. Life I thought was great, at that time in my life. Money has always been a HUGE motivator to me and I love the security of having it.
While I was selling drugs, and before I got sober I was Premiscuos. I was with alot of girls , just thought that was normal at the time. Well one of these girls turned out to be 16, I was 22 or 23 at the time. We actually dated for a few months, and had a really bad break up. She ended up pressing charges for statutory Rape. Even though it was consentual sex, in New York state the age of Consent is 17. I was given probation for 5 years and told I had to register for the next 10 years and had no restrictions placed upon me or living situation. After about 8 years or so , there was a dramatic change in the laws. First the law changed to 20 years I must register, then 30 , and now lifetime registration. My picture was posted on the internet and I was forced to move from my home , because i lived within 1500 feet from a school. I had Joint custody of my daughter from another relationship and after being a involved father, I was suddenly not allowed to pick her up from school, take her to the park attend school plays or events. I had to have another family member do that. I also have to post where I work online.
I am a complete and utter social outcast! I quit selling drugs about 4 years ago completely. I met a Woman in the 12 step program and I was honest about myself and we began a 4 year relationship. She was and is an elected official. She told me I had to stop the selling of the drugs , with her job and all. I did, I also found a decent job in the area. I worked there for 2 years. Again workers found out about my history from postings online and it became a serious problem and after 2 serious altercations i was fired. That began the downfall of my relationship as well. I kinda gave up a little at that point, that even after 15 years, I cannot move on with my life, without a serious label cast upon me.
My Girlfriend and I split, i left in haste. Then once out of the house I was told I had 10 days to find a new address or I would be commiting a felony for not registering my address with the state of New York as a Sex Offender. I had no money and was staying with my mother. I had to place her address online to avoid commiting a Felony. Her landlord got word of this and threatened her with eviction. I called the Homeless Shelters, the Rescue Mission. Neither of them Accept Sex Offenders. So I was forced in my opinion to go to the Local Pysch unit and tell them I was going to end my life. I mailed the letter to the Sex Offender Registry that my address would be the Hospital Mental Health Unit to avoid a new charge. After 7 days or so i was released. Upon my release I had another 10 days to find a place or i would be commiting a Felony. I could not, so I went back to the Hospital on the 10th day again and repeated that 4 seperate times until i was referred to a case worker who helped me get a place.
So hear i sit, unemployeed, broke a Sex Offender Playing Video games all day. To Chicken to end my own life. I have not a single friend in the world or $10 to my name. I am unemployable anywhere in my area , because my name is all over the internet. The public does not understand that i was in a consentual relationship with a girl 3 months underage 15 years ago. All most of them see is Sex Offender (SCUM). I struggle to go on everyday! I see 2 seperate councelors twice a month. One for meds and the other to Speak with. She feels bad for me she says but she doesn't know how to help me either. The only thing I have in my life is I open 2, 12 step meetings per week. I cannot afford to go to town more than that with gas prices as they are. Life is the worst it has ever been, I believe I am doomed to die miserable and alone , probably in prison. I have been tested and I have an Above average IQ, and i know i am a very smart man, but being smart cannot erase the past or allow me to move on with a clean slate. I made alot of bad choices throughout my years and I feel i will continue to pay for them till the day i die. Which by the way, that day cannot come soon enough!


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