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I suck but everyone would deny it

Posted by lipase at April 2, 2012
Tags: 2012 April  Attitude

First off, I hate it when people say that I'm not just a s*** stain. Why do they think they can convince me that I'm not a loser when I am beyond a loser...? I don't bring the fact that I'm a loser up anymore and instead I just postulate what would happen if I did... They're likely to lie with all their might about how I'm acceptable as a human being or even that I'm good and then go away all smug like 'I bet I really made a difference to his mind set' as if I'm their pet, or, 'give him time and he'll build up his confidence' f*** off I'm CONFIDENT that I'm a loser. In this respect I am better than them; I'm better at being honest and measuring myself fairly.

Anyway, back to why my life sucks: I MUCH prefer spending time on my own rather than with people. Sometimes I enjoy some aspects of socializing but the overwhelming feeling is that I'm trapped. Trapped in my mind (lonely?) and trapped in the social situations, unable to get away (since to leave just to get away would be 'rude').

Essentially, because of reasons, I just think my life is balls and that the only way I can see my life having meaning right now is to relieve people who are in the same mental situation as I was (or worse!)... Relieving them of their lives.

Yes; I give blood. Yes; I plan on donating my bone marrow and one of my kidneys. Yes, I help around the house (this wasn't the case when I was 'depressed' however) and I at least TRY hard at work even if my mind and body are, to an extent, shot and useless. Maybe the reason I am a loser is because I'm a d***?

I am researching suicide methods and making things that may be useful if I were ever to get 'depressed' again and have the balls to kill myself. Whilst I wait for the balls to commit suicide I hope, at some point in the future, to help like minded people in the way I needed help when I was suicidal.

As you might see; I am the dregs of the human species. Perhaps I have a secret grandiosity? Secret even to myself. That's what the schizoid personality disorder page on Wikipedia suggests


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