I'm not here to rant about how life sucks. I'm here to talk about how MY life sucks.
I wasn't always this way. In fact, I was a very happy, but hyperactive child. My father gave me beatings whenever he visited and I would always carry a grudge against him that would last about 1 day long. All was good. My family was happy back then.
We moved to the United States about 10 years ago and that's pretty much where things started to fall apart. There was no "American Dream". We situated ourselves in California and found a decent apartment, one in which we still live in today. My brother fell victim to drug addiction regardless of how strict my parents were. My little brother and I were exposed to physical and verbal fights between our brother and parents. I hated it. I wished he would just die.
I eventually made it past Elementary School and Middle School having little friends. The friends I had were idiots and treated me like trash. They called me names like "faggot" and "dumbass". I hated them just as I hated my brother. I transformed from a very mouthy, hyper kid to an introverted mess on the inside. I considered myself as a bottle with dry ice in it, building up the pressure until I would explode spontaneously. I never did.
Life at home was still irritating, considering my brother was still living under the same roof. My mother is the nicest person on earth and she would never abandon her kids. She should have made an exception. My brother was the main source of torment in that household. He pushed my mother around and pulled her strings like a puppet and he would initiate fist fights with my father. I would sometimes go to a corner and just cry. This was the first time I asked "God, please help us?"
Transitioning on to high school, I met new friends. They were nice. We ate lunch together, found similarities about each other, and enjoyed our time together. Everything was swell when I was with them. In class, people would harass me because I was gay. I don't blame them. After all, there's nothing else to pay attention to as my English teacher was clueless about Shakespeare. They would also belittle me cause I'm a minority. Also, they made fun of appearance. My hair was graying because of genetics. All of this was beyond my control. I proceeded to ask "God, why me?"
I'm in college now, with a roommate constantly bullying me. He would punch me repeatedly and call me names. Ah yes, just like high school times. He would also wipe his shoe on me after his excursion in the restroom. It's disgusting. Just a few minutes ago, he flung his arm and barraged my head. He apologized inconsiderately with a smile. I didn't forgive. My brain is hurting from all the thinking. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I am taking Mechanical Engineering. What a joke. I'm mashing my keyboard up just because of a simple math problem everyone can do in 5 minutes. It takes me about 30. I hate this. Why can't I just be like everyone else? Why can't I be normal for once? Now, I'm asking "God, why is suicide a sin?"
The optimism I used to have disintegrated long ago. I used to look forward in a better tomorrow but now, I see no purpose in life if all we are aiming for is to grow old and die.
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Fu*k it. Bring it on. We'll deal with it and come out stronger on the other side.
And quit that bloody suicide talk nonsense...you've your whole life ahead of you, and it will get better.
Jesus can heal your past, the troubles with your family, bullying etc.. Im sorry to hear about you being bullyed, thats horrible. Try to find a new roommate, or tell someone about it. As for your ADHD, there are drugs out there that can help you, see a doctor. Why not pray too though? God still performs miracles! Yes, you have some problems, your not the first one to be bullyed, to be teased, im sure you have some emotional scars still from these difficult times, the good news is that those emotional scars can be healed by God, you can be comforted now, your life can change, your mind can change, instead of getting angry at God, go to him, ask him for help. There is a comfort in life, that only God can bring. Get close to Him, and he will get close to you.
Regards, and may God bless you.
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