I am 38, divorced mother of one awesome 9 year old son. My son is the only reason I don't kill myself. It doesn't mean I don't think about it - it just means when I do consider it, I know I would have to make it look like an accident, for his sake.
I lost my job the same year I was divorced, 4 years ago. I've had one job since then, with a horribly abusive boss, each week worked hours without pay, it was really bad. Lasted a year. Without a bachelor's, I can't even get an interview.
After my divorce, I thought I found a guy who really got me, really loved me... turns out I was just an easily duped idiot, and fell for an addict, and his bullshit stories. He's gone - thank God. But I am so ashamed I let an addict manipulate me so completely - I let him into my life and into my son's life. He'll remember growing up with that piece of shit. I lost friends over it, too.
After that mess got sorted - time passed - and it seemed my ex-husband and I might rekindle our relationship. Once we talked about it though - I found that no way in hell was he interested in getting back together. His words - "I would have to be a fucking idiot to want that"
I am overweight, trying to lose weight, but every time I "fall off the wagon", I get so discouraged - this year, I have lost net weight of TWO pounds. In 7 months. That's pathetic.
I am falling further into debt since I've gone back to college - so I can get my bachelor's and get a freaking job again.
I am so poor I can never buy my son anything. His father does, all the time.
Some weeks I don't eat meals because I can't afford the food - SO HOW THE FUCK CAN I STILL BE FAT!
Being in college really shows someone my age how old I really am, how unattractive, how little of a chance I have to have the family I always dreamed of having.
I have a great son, and so I am blessed.
But I am in such a hard place right now. I cry myself to sleep most nights, and some mornings I wake up still crying. I try to never let my son see me cry though.
Putting on the happy face every day for the whole world is exhausting.
I don't want to die. But I don't want to live like this anymore, and I keep thinking maybe an accident would be best - tragic to have me taken from my son, but the life insurance money might be better for him than I am.
I don't feel like I have anything to offer anyone.
I don't feel like I can trust anyone, and so don't even want to be around people.
How am I supposed to be any kind of Mom to my son like this?
I have no idea how to get my head on straight, and I just keep getting more and more depressed.
You are definitely a beautiful strong woman and mother of a lovely son.
Live for your son, it'll keep him happy by just having your presence there.
Life is rough and it'll only be rougher if you put your mind in that negative tone.
I wish you luck and dont give up.
Second.... He is gone, let him go... your son needs a mommy that can show him how to get back up once you've fallen down.
Third... Don't give up hope. When I met my wife she had a little girl from another man(her ex), whom I have come to call my own. I have even adopted her officially, so if you are about to think that your son is going to be a problem for you meeting someone, think again.
Fourth... My wife has always been overweight but it is her personality and the way she makes me feel about myself that I fell in love with. I would willingly die or kill for her, and hold my head high for doing so.
Last point... Don't give up. Life WILL get better if you will put forth the effort to pave your own way.
Good guys are out here. Attractive good guys are out here. Just trust that one will find you, and be a little more patient. I see good things for you sister.
I am an addict, been clean for quite some time now, and married for 10 years of that. I go to meetings, work a program, and call my sponsor regularly.
We aren't bad people, we just made bad choices at some point. So please, if just for my sake, use the term "addict" lightly. There is a big difference between being an "addict", and someone caught in the grip of "active addiction", that is to say, currently abusing drugs.
Anyway, Fat Tammy was a lot like you. She married young and popped out a little tithugger right away. She had it rough too, because she was on that show "I didn't know I was pregnant" and we all made fun of her pretty much every day at the Johnny Qwik where she worked as a cashier/Bobby Salazar/Subway foodmaker. We'd buy the bags of unshelled peanuts and then go up to her and say " Here ya go Babar, peanuts for your trunk!"
Anyway, her son was named Nicholas, but he had a lisp so he always pronounced it "Nicholith" , whcih we all made fun of as well. He wasn't a good boy, like Fat Tammy would say, but she wasn't a good mom either, kinda like you!
...anyway, Fat Tammy got to be so gross her husband left her and Nicholith to fnd for themselves, and Nicholith turned out to be a serial rapist of neighborhood dogs.
But I digress.
...turns out Fat Tammy had a glandular problem, she ate too many glands....and chips, and corn dogs, and subway sammiches that she'd fuck up on purpose so she'd have to make the customer a new sammich and then she'd eat the old one, and pretty much everything else she could find to shove in her fat fucking elephant face. I saw her eat some old lady's Bichon Frise' pooch once while the old bat was taking a dump in the station shitter.
...and she always wondered why she was so fat, given that she "never got to eat anything...."
so then in a final attempt to get her shit together she went back to school to pursue her degree in Women's Literature, so that she'd have a chance to be the CEO of Ebay....and that hasn't worked out yet, but she did get promoted to assistant custodian at Johnny Qwik.
Anyway, long story short, Fat Tammy is still Fat Tammy, and Nicolith is doing a dime at the new mens facility in Chowchilla for putting his hot dog IN dogs. Point is, nothing will ever change for pigfucks like you, who make the assumption that it's the world against YOU. The reality is that the rest of the world wishes you'd just shut the fuck up already and either embrace the amputative beauty of diabetes and laser hair removal, or quit eating a bunch of shit all day every day and then claiming you don't.
Make no mistake, you ARE killing yourself, just not fast, like with a gun.
I very much hate you.
abundantly..love is far more important than material wealth..LOVE